[on the way to Las Vegas] Trent: They're gonna give daddy the Rainman suite, you dig that?
Mike: Do you think we'll get there by midnight?Trent: Baby, we're going to be up five hundy by midnight! Mike: Yeeeeaaaaahhhhhh! Trent: Vegas baby! Vegas! Mike: Vegas!
Look, I'll be the first to admit gambling can make people do some very strange things. I’ve seen outgoing, well-put together individuals self-combusted into huge loses and erratic behavior. I’ve also witnessed very reserved individuals become the life of the party after a few drinks at a blackjack table. As I arrive in Vegas for the 16th time this week, I’ve put together
Lugie’s Vegas Survival Guide.
(
That 16 isn’t a typo people – at the ripe age of 25 I’ve seen it all).
Avoid the 'Heineken Incident' - Sounds like a cross between the Hindenburg blowing up and your buddy passing out in his own vomit next to the toilet. The situation: your friend has lost a ton of money already and has been drinking heavily. This is when the gambling demons kick in. This person not named Noah Gold decides to stay behind to play more, and asks for more time before heading to your next destination. He continues drinking and is now the only one left at the blackjack table. His eyes are stretched as wide as possible so he can see the cards while the rest of his body is slumped over dead to the world. Trying to pull this man from a blackjack table is impossible – he will lose all the money in his wallet and you won’t be able to stop him. At all costs, don’t become this guy.
Play a Tom Emanski 3rd Base – When sitting at a black jack table, if you find yourself in the last seat (aka 3rd base), it is imperative you play a fundamentally sound black jack game.
The table needs you to make the right play before the dealer starts hitting. Trying to play on feel from this position will drive everyone nuts and ruin the flow of the table. No need for heroes here, just some gold glove defense and timely hitting.
The bottom line is unless you are counting cards, you have as much feeling as Shayla Styles does after a day-night double-header on the set of BBC II (
someone told me she’s Jewish…and if you don’t know that name please don’t Google it and complain to me later why you got fired). The worst part of bad black jack play? When dealers acknowledge it as "winning blackjack."
Dealer: “Well that’s why you can’t always play by the book sometimes you just have to go with your gut.”Dumbest sentence ever uttered except for “Hey I really like this script: The Hottie and the Nottie. Let’s fast track it and see if we can get Paris Hilton on board.”
There are No Free Lunches – Unless you are a) a celebrity b) look a lot like a good-looking celebrity or c) have a ton of money, woman don’t just randomly approach you in Vegas without a reason. Get over your ego when it happens, and have your guard up. An hour of casual flirting and conversation could turn into a proposition you were not expecting, and you are going to feel like an idiot. The only other option is buy a Leo DiCaprio mask and wrap a wad of $1s with a $100 bill and hope a girl is just drunk enough to fall for it.
“We have to leave right now” – If a friend comes up to you in a strip club with these exact words, you don’t ask questions – you leave right away. There is time for an explanation later. Big bouncers, scummy strippers and the exchange of money for 'grinding' services means you can't ask your friend questions until you’ve cleared the scene. I have been fortunate enough that I’ve never had to use this phrase, but I’ve heard it a few times from friends and followed protocol. Consider this your fire drill.
A few strip club corollaries: a) Never lend your jeans to a friend in Vegas, especially when you’ll be attending a gentleman’s club. Trust me on this one – the Vegas Gods will see the situation and you will lose a pair of jeans for the rest of the trip. b) If a friend asks you to borrow $400 for the back room, be a good friend and lie. That money doesn’t get paid back nearly as fast as it gets pissed away.
Point in hand, a conversation I had yesterday:
XXXXXX: god i know there is gonna be one night where i spend $500 in a strip club
fml
Steven: hahahha
not me
XXXXXX: you say that now
but somehow strippers have a way of getting ppl to pull money outta the woodwork
money you didnt even know you had
In-N-Out, and Out Again Burger – Go to In-N-Out Burger, but don’t plan a day trip to the Hoover Dam right after. Stay close to home base and get back to the hotel within 30 minutes of eating. You’ll thank me later.
You Never Know Who You’ll Meet –It’s Vegas. Everyone is happy. Everyone is drunk. Everyone is willing to chat about anything. If you’re afraid to talk to people you’ll be losing out on the magic of Vegas. This isn’t New York City where every cab driver
and Murray Hill girl will deck you if you are looking the wrong way. Celebs are everywhere – interact with them and take a story home. Don Cheadele sat two seats from me at a poker table for four hours; I rolled dice with Carrot Top; I saw Lil’ Jon walking around the Crazy Horse Too with literally 4 strippers on his arms, a solid 10 on the obvious scale, which goes from 0 to Steve and Doug Butabi being brothers.
Don’t Skimp on the Buffet – You’ll see signs everywhere for $9.99 prime rib and lobster buffet deals that sound too good to be true. That’s because they are. Ditch the Buffet at “Bill’s Saloon Hall” or “Mrs. Rascals Casino and Buffet” and go for the best of the best (Bellagio, Mirage, Paris, etc.). It’ll cost you $25 more, but you won’t be fighting the AARP conventions for that last shrimp cocktail.
“No matter what a stripper tells you, there is no sex in the champagne room. NONE.” – Chris RockOh, there’s champagne in the champagne room. $100+ bottles plus tip. Don't fall for the easiest trick in the book. The Vegas tourism ad campaign “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” was a direct result of the truest words ever spoken in the English language by comedian Chris Rock. Yes, I know she said “you have the prettiest eyes of anyone in here” or “you’re different than all my other customers,” BUT NO MATTER WHAT A STRIPPER TELLS YOU, THERE IS NO SEX IN THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM.
Hope I make it back alive.
- Steve Lugerner
Since my last post was a Vegas survival guide and I have not been heard from...I feel I need to let you know what happened:
