Lugie's Vegas Survival Guide

[on the way to Las Vegas]
Trent: They're gonna give daddy the Rainman suite, you dig that?
Mike: Do you think we'll get there by midnight?
Trent: Baby, we're going to be up five hundy by midnight!
Mike: Yeeeeaaaaahhhhhh!
Trent: Vegas baby! Vegas!
Mike: Vegas!

Look, I'll be the first to admit gambling can make people do some very strange things. I’ve seen outgoing, well-put together individuals self-combusted into huge loses and erratic behavior. I’ve also witnessed very reserved individuals become the life of the party after a few drinks at a blackjack table. As I arrive in Vegas for the 16th time this week, I’ve put together Lugie’s Vegas Survival Guide.

(That 16 isn’t a typo people – at the ripe age of 25 I’ve seen it all).

Avoid the 'Heineken Incident' - Sounds like a cross between the Hindenburg blowing up and your buddy passing out in his own vomit next to the toilet. The situation: your friend has lost a ton of money already and has been drinking heavily. This is when the gambling demons kick in. This person not named Noah Gold decides to stay behind to play more, and asks for more time before heading to your next destination. He continues drinking and is now the only one left at the blackjack table. His eyes are stretched as wide as possible so he can see the cards while the rest of his body is slumped over dead to the world. Trying to pull this man from a blackjack table is impossible – he will lose all the money in his wallet and you won’t be able to stop him. At all costs, don’t become this guy.

Play a Tom Emanski 3rd Base – When sitting at a black jack table, if you find yourself in the last seat (aka 3rd base), it is imperative you play a fundamentally sound black jack game. The table needs you to make the right play before the dealer starts hitting. Trying to play on feel from this position will drive everyone nuts and ruin the flow of the table. No need for heroes here, just some gold glove defense and timely hitting.
The bottom line is unless you are counting cards, you have as much feeling as Shayla Styles does after a day-night double-header on the set of BBC II (someone told me she’s Jewish…and if you don’t know that name please don’t Google it and complain to me later why you got fired). The worst part of bad black jack play? When dealers acknowledge it as "winning blackjack."

Dealer: “Well that’s why you can’t always play by the book sometimes you just have to go with your gut.”

Dumbest sentence ever uttered except for “Hey I really like this script: The Hottie and the Nottie. Let’s fast track it and see if we can get Paris Hilton on board.”

There are No Free Lunches – Unless you are a) a celebrity b) look a lot like a good-looking celebrity or c) have a ton of money, woman don’t just randomly approach you in Vegas without a reason. Get over your ego when it happens, and have your guard up. An hour of casual flirting and conversation could turn into a proposition you were not expecting, and you are going to feel like an idiot. The only other option is buy a Leo DiCaprio mask and wrap a wad of $1s with a $100 bill and hope a girl is just drunk enough to fall for it.

“We have to leave right now” – If a friend comes up to you in a strip club with these exact words, you don’t ask questions – you leave right away. There is time for an explanation later. Big bouncers, scummy strippers and the exchange of money for 'grinding' services means you can't ask your friend questions until you’ve cleared the scene. I have been fortunate enough that I’ve never had to use this phrase, but I’ve heard it a few times from friends and followed protocol. Consider this your fire drill.

A few strip club corollaries: a) Never lend your jeans to a friend in Vegas, especially when you’ll be attending a gentleman’s club. Trust me on this one – the Vegas Gods will see the situation and you will lose a pair of jeans for the rest of the trip. b) If a friend asks you to borrow $400 for the back room, be a good friend and lie. That money doesn’t get paid back nearly as fast as it gets pissed away.

Point in hand, a conversation I had yesterday:
XXXXXX: god i know there is gonna be one night where i spend $500 in a strip club
fml
Steven: hahahha
not me
XXXXXX: you say that now
but somehow strippers have a way of getting ppl to pull money outta the woodwork
money you didnt even know you had

In-N-Out, and Out Again Burger – Go to In-N-Out Burger, but don’t plan a day trip to the Hoover Dam right after. Stay close to home base and get back to the hotel within 30 minutes of eating. You’ll thank me later.

You Never Know Who You’ll Meet –It’s Vegas. Everyone is happy. Everyone is drunk. Everyone is willing to chat about anything. If you’re afraid to talk to people you’ll be losing out on the magic of Vegas. This isn’t New York City where every cab driver and Murray Hill girl will deck you if you are looking the wrong way. Celebs are everywhere – interact with them and take a story home. Don Cheadele sat two seats from me at a poker table for four hours; I rolled dice with Carrot Top; I saw Lil’ Jon walking around the Crazy Horse Too with literally 4 strippers on his arms, a solid 10 on the obvious scale, which goes from 0 to Steve and Doug Butabi being brothers.

Don’t Skimp on the Buffet – You’ll see signs everywhere for $9.99 prime rib and lobster buffet deals that sound too good to be true. That’s because they are. Ditch the Buffet at “Bill’s Saloon Hall” or “Mrs. Rascals Casino and Buffet” and go for the best of the best (Bellagio, Mirage, Paris, etc.). It’ll cost you $25 more, but you won’t be fighting the AARP conventions for that last shrimp cocktail.

“No matter what a stripper tells you, there is no sex in the champagne room. NONE.” – Chris Rock

Oh, there’s champagne in the champagne room. $100+ bottles plus tip. Don't fall for the easiest trick in the book. The Vegas tourism ad campaign “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” was a direct result of the truest words ever spoken in the English language by comedian Chris Rock. Yes, I know she said “you have the prettiest eyes of anyone in here” or “you’re different than all my other customers,” BUT NO MATTER WHAT A STRIPPER TELLS YOU, THERE IS NO SEX IN THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM.

Hope I make it back alive.

- Steve Lugerner

Lugie's List 3/1: Sindy Crosby Eats Babies

1. Wow. So close. Team USA Hockey couldn’t match the size and skill of the Canadians on paper, but they came within an OT goal of another epic upset. This team of young stars and role players came into Vancouver and played sound hockey, upstaging many of the more talented teams during the tournament. These Olympics helped catapult American players like Ryan Miller, Brian Rafalski, Patrick Kane and Zack Parise into house-hold names around the county. When Parise scored the equalizer late in the third period, it had the potential to be an all-time Olympic and American sports moment. Unfortunately, Team USA couldn’t pull it off in OT losing to Canada in the gold medal game 3-2. A moment like Parise’s goal tends to get forgotten when your team doesn’t pull out the W. Even so, it is hard to be disappointed with the effort and the silver medal.

2. It had to be Sindy Crosby, didn’t it? The Mount Rushmore of players I hate in sports right now looks like this: Lebron, Crosby, Papelbon and Jerry Jones (not a player, but pure evil). Crosby now holds the number one spot on this list.

3. The NHL has a big opportunity to piggy back the rest of its season off these Olympic Games. Can this momentum help catapult the NHL back into a top sports league? If the NHL and individual teams can’t promote the league after an amazing Olympic hockey tournament chalk full of NHL studs, then what chance does it really have? All the NHL has done since it came back from the devastating lock-out was slam Crosby vs. Ovechkin down our throats. With Crosby being resented by most Americans outside of Pittsburgh, and Ovechkin failing to take the Caps deep in the playoffs (yet), the NHL has really failed to engage the casual American fan again. The Olympics finally provided a platform to promote many of the up and coming American players and established stars in other countries. I’m guessing we will probably find out later today that Sunday’s USA-Canada hockey finale was the most watched hockey game EVER. Will this help the NHL’s struggling rating on NBC? Does the casual fan tune into this year’s Stanley Cup Playoffs because many of the Olympic heroes again will be center stage? If I was the NHL marketing department, I’d be working around the clock to keep the Olympic momentum going. You don’t get opportunities like this very often with a struggling sport. Earth to Gary Bettman – stop worrying about a failing franchise in Phoenix and promote the rest of the league!

4. I know this is going to sound like classic American egotism, but honestly, Canada needed this one WAY more than we did. This was probably the biggest game in Canadian sports history. Canada is cold, really boring without street crime and strangely cleaner than most male apartments in Chelsea. All they have in Canada is hockey. Even Canadians will tell you this is all they have. As Bob Costas and Al Michaels said at the beginning of the closing ceremonies, if the USA had pulled out an OT win Sunday, the closing ceremonies would have had the atmosphere of a state funeral. Plus, I really didn’t want the guilt of the suicide rate in Upper Saskatchewan rising 500% in one week, did you?

5. Turning the TV from USA-Canada to the Nets-Wizards NBA battle royal in Newark was like going from finishing a filet mignon and having spam for desert. It was like changing the channel from Seinfeld to Tyler Perry’s House of Pain. As far as relevant sporting events in America go, USA-Canada will probably be the top American sporting event behind the Super Bowl in 2010, while a Wizards-Nets regular season game probably had a slightly better rating than the National High School Cheerleading Finals on ESPN2 (ok so maybe I watched…oops, ya caught me!). All 10 fans in attendance at the Nets-Wizards game should have their freedom to watch sporting events revoked by Obama. Unacceptable.

6. Say what you want about NBC’s Olympic coverage, but I don’t think any network can match their team of play-by-play announcers, color commentators and in-studio hosts. All top notch. I can watch Bob Costas talk about sports by a fake fire place all day and all night. And Mr. Figure Skating Scott Hamilton was just one of many event specialists that were highly entertaining. I added the audio in this link to my sleep mix. http://tv.gawker.com/5481409/figure-skating-makes-scott-hamilton-orgasm

7. Over the last few years I’ve been one of the top jinx artists for the Chicago Cubs winning a World Series. The funny thing is I actually like the Cubs and would love to see them win a World Series. It is just way too much fun to torment Cubs fans. They really are a bunch of lovable losers. Anyways, I couldn’t stop laughing Sunday watching Bob Costas compare the American gold medals in Nordic Combined and Bobsledding at the Winter Olympic being the equivalent of the Cubs winning the pennant/world series. “Who knows what 2010 has in-stored at Wrigley,” Costas said. I’ll be sure to get my seat along Michigan Ave tomorrow for the parade Costas. Good news Cubs fans? We are only a year away until pitchers and catchers report for 2011 spring training! Game – set – match Lugerner.

-Steve Lugerner

P.S. I get it - most of you would not have confidence in me to win a 1st grade spelling bee. However, let me be clear, the spelling of Crosby's first name is very intentional in this column. A little more confidence people - I'd Google something like that before spelling it wrong 3 times (except that time I spelled Leinart "Lineart" 10 times in a column - FML I have a disease).

P.P.S. I have no clue why spell check can't spell Pittsburgh right - so from here on out, it will be referred to as Pittsburg. Thank you.

The Bernie Madoff of Fantasy Sports Presents Fantasy American Idol!

I’ve been called the Bernie Madoff of fantasy sports. The scheme is pretty simple: run enough fantasy leagues to create a small scale ponzi scheme, shuffling entry fees of one league to the recent winners of others.

There is one major problem though. Fantasy football ends in January and fantasy baseball league collections don’t start until March. And unless I search long and hard for friends who would play fantasy premier league, PGA or NASCAR, I have no way of bridging this 2 month gap. (Full disclosure: my attempt at playing fantasy NASCAR ended after 5 weeks of setting my lineup. Never again.)

With my ponzi scheme teetering on a Madoff-like collapse, I discovered a simple answer: FANTASY AMERICAN IDOL.

What started as a small wager in 2006 between me and roommate Josh Goldstein during Idol Season 6 has turned into a fourth annual America Idol Fantasy League. Many of my friends have been amazed that A) I like American Idol so much and B) I found a way to gamble on it. The truth is no one should be ashamed of watching. Idol has become an American institution that we talk about around the water cooler the next day like any other major television event.

How does a fantasy Idol league work? Draft the top 24 contestants among 6 teams, with each team drafting 4 contestants (other variations are acceptable). How you score the fantasy league is really up to you and your friends. I’ve always subscribed to a winner-take-all mentality (since there is only one Idol every season), but an escalating points system based on the order of the top 12 will also work.

So without detailed analysis on Fantasy Idol that you get for a fantasy football or baseball draft, allow me to bring you up to speed with what to look for on your Idol draft day. Here is a rundown of the types of contestants you see every year in the Idol draft pool:

The Non-Contenders

Jail Bait & Heart Throbs (Kellie Pickler, Haley Scarnato, Kristy Lee Cook, Chris Richardson, Ace Young, Ashley Rodriguez? Casey James?) – This is the group of contestants you probably spot early on due to their rockin’ bods and good looks. Most of us know they don’t have the chops to actually get far on their singing ability, but it takes America somewhere in the 8-12 left range to realize it. Despite being vocally challenged and clearly hanging on because of the middle aged men on parole vote (works for both the females and males), that doesn’t stop this type of contestant from outlasting many with better voices and talent. While this group never makes it far enough to contend, expect them to finish in the 6-12 range and earn you some fantasy points in the process. Look for any early flirting from judges in Hollywood week as a huge tip-off for this type of contestant. I’m convinced Simon has a picture of Haley Scarnato’s legs by his bed-side the way he drooled during Season 6 (This season: Kara and Casey Jones)

The Contestants You’d Smoke A Joint With while they Play Coldplay on Guitar (Jason Castro, Brooke White, Crystal Boxersox?) – With instruments playing a much larger role in recent seasons, this group of contestants can make the top 12 on their artsy, door room vibe and unique song interpretations. Eventually though, it boils down to Idol being a singing contest and for contestants being able to seize the moment at center stage. I really can’t see mainstream America ever buying into one of these contestants as a winner, but look to draft them in the 2nd or early 3rd round with a decent shot to crack the top 8.

The Sanjays (Sanjaya) –Sanjaya has already done more than enough to destroy the fabric of America. Why President Bush didn’t have him imprisoned in Guantanamo as an enemy combatant I’ll never understand. Thanks to VotefortheWorst.com and Howard Stern spearheading a campaign to keep Sanjaya around, he was able to hang on to get 7th place and record 38 million votes during his time on Idol. During this whole controversy Idol producers were literally crapping themselves daily at the thought of a PR campaign “to vote for the worst contestant” bringing down the #1 show on TV. If you are looking for a late round pick that might squeak into the top 12 and earn you some points, you could do a lot worse than drafting a Sanjaya-like contestant.

Front Running Men (Michael Johns, Anoop Desai, Matt Giraud, Brandon Rogers, Phil Stacey, Danny Gokey, Andrew Garcia) – These guys will catch your eye early on in Hollywood week with an amazing performance, good personality or an intriguing back story. Almost all these guys are locks to be high first round picks every year (except Phil Stacey –if Elton John thinks Idol is racist in its voting, the unspoken discrimination on the show is people without hair – don’t draft anyone bald or balding). The leading men almost always breeze into the top 12 on their natural ability, but eventually fall flat after a slew of bad song choices, lack of image/personality or a classic disco week massacre. It is almost impossible to avoid drafting one of these guys when it’s your turn in the first round, but just keep this paragraph in the back of your mind.

The Contenders

The Rockers (Bo Bice, Chris Daughtry, David Cook) – I was thinking of using some type of civil rights analogy with Bo Bice inspiring Daughtry to try out who paved the way for David Cook’s Idol win, but then I realized I’d have a chance of being less in touch with reality than Floyd Mayweather. (Sports ASIDE: REALLY FLOYD? Comparing yourself to Martin Luther King for wanting drug testing in a boxing match? That’s ridiculously stupid even for you. I posted what he said at the end of this article). If you see a top rocker in Hollywood week, don’t hesitate to use an early round pick on them.

The Not-Not-Not Straight Men* (David Hernandez, Jorge Nunez, Clay Aiken, David Archuleta?, Danny Noriega, Adam Lambert) – How weird do all those teenage girls feel 7 years later for gushing over Clay Aiken? This group has some success on Idol, but with 3 runner-ups and 0 wins, it remains to be seen whether America can get behind a possibly gay, or in the case of Lambert, very openly gay contestant. But hey, if Barak can become president, who says a guy who looks like this can’t be the next American Idol?! I have a feeling next year I could be writing about the Adam Lambert Effect – when a gay male acts so outrageous and scary toward mainstream America that even Richard Simmons seems straight next to him. Could this be the year? Time will tell but don’t be afraid to take these guys on draft day.

The Solid, yet Undefined (Kris Allen, Blake Lewis, Katharine McPhee, Jordin Sparks, Syesha Mercado, Taylor Hicks) – This group never quite reaches ‘phonebook’ status that I’ll touch on in just a minute. Yet, they consistently pile up very good to great performances week after week resulting in three winners from this group (Allen, Sparks and Hicks). Yes, all these contestants had their own styles and memorable performances, but none of them struck me as incredible singers. Which brings me to – how the hell did Taylor Hicks win American Idol? How did I lose fantasy Idol that year with Daughtry to a guy in his 20s with white hair? I’d be lying if that hadn’t kept me up a few nights - one of the worst beats of my life.

The Phonebook Singers (Fantasia Barrino, Jennifer Hudson, Carrie Underwood (also a member of the Jail Bait category), Elliot Yamin, Lakisha Jones, Melinda Doolittle, Carly Smithson, Ruben Studdard). One of my favorite Randy Jackson lines every season: “But DAWG it doesn’t matter – you could sing the phone book and it would sound amazin’!” Maybe I’m a purist, but the best part about Idol for me is discovering amazing vocal talent every season. The problem with this group though is America is stupid. This type of contestant often gets eliminated way too early because the public votes for gimmicks (Blake Lewis) AND WHITE F’ING HAIR (Taylor Hicks)! So while strong vocals will probably are my #1 criteria on draft day, too often this group puts up a disappointing finish because they lack mainstream appeal. Could Ruben Studdard win in a post-Taylor Hicks Idol era? Absolutely not.

Did this article give you way too much info on American Idol? I can only hope so.

-Steve Lugerner

*Not-not joke stolen from Noah J. Gold

Mayweather Comments: “If it was all about money for me, I would’ve said ‘I don’t care what Manny Pacquiao does, just give me the money, I’ll take it. But it’s me taking a stand for something that means something. And it’s for the fighters who are up and coming.“It’s sort of the same stance Martin Luther King and Malcolm X made, so we could have freedoms, so everybody could tell the world that we’re equal. The only thing I’m saying is that we are equal. So if you’re not on nothing and I’m not on nothing, then let’s go take the test. That’s all I’m saying."

Lugie's List 2/22 - U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

1. What an amazing win turned in by USA hockey in a 5-3 upset over tournament favorite Canada Sunday night. Ryan Miller was sensational in goal for team USA, which sealed the victory on an absurd empty net goal thanks to the hustle of Ryan Kesler. This is what the Winter Olympics are about – sticking it to the Canadians and Russians.

2. I know this was a big upset, but the media has to stop comparing this USA team to the 1980 Gold Medal team. Using the 30th anniversary as a way to motivate is one thing. It is another to compare a roster of true amateurs to a current roster full of NHL players. We might not have the caliber squads of Canada and Russia top to bottom, but when NBC and the media make the comparison it is actually belittling the Miracle on Ice in Lake Placid.

3. Music I heard at the Canada Hockey Place Arena: Cotton Eye Joe, YMCA, Dave Matthews Band. Music I didn’t hear: Celine Dion, Paul Anka, Shania Twain. Score another one for USA on the cultural victory: USA 6 Canada 3.

4. Mike “Doc” Emrick who called the USA-Canada game is the Gus Johnson of hockey. Mesmerizing play-by-play Sunday and I am pretty sure he had a minor heart attack in the last 5 minutes. I counted 1 breath, and only 10 seconds of air time for color-commentator Ed Olczyk in the final 2 minutes.

5. Who the hell at NBC thought it made more sense to air ice dancing on the main network and relegate USA-Canada to MSNBC? That’s like airing the Westminster Dog Show on ABC while showing the NBA finals on ESPN2. Honestly, if we are giving the skating-nerds figure skating as a sport, they shouldn’t be allowed to have ice dancing too. I’ll have a petition ready for 2014.

6. Jaromir Jagr getting absolutely decked by Alexander Ovechkin during the Czech-Russia game Sunday was every Caps fans' wet dream. I hope Jagr has been able to get his chronic depression under control back in Russia because he’s going to have to deal with post-traumatic stress syndrome after Ovechkin’s de-skater.

7. My first 6 (now 7) bullets about hockey? Take that Noah Gold! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

8. Is there any player in the NBA less interested in life than Vince Carter? I’m curious if he has a single fan anymore he looks that bored. His lack of expressions/passion is worse than a white guy watching a House of Pain marathon.
(Aside: Let me just say, I am white, and I love House of Pain. I’ve sat through many a marathon. It’s a real shame more people don’t give it a chance.)

9. Zydrunas Ilgauskas (it took me 5 attempts to Google and get his name right) said this week “His heart is in Cleveland” after being traded to the Washington Wizards.
# of times anyone has ever uttered those words before: 0
# of times anyone will ever utter those words again: 0
Personally, I think Z would be much happier taking up residence in southeast DC. A tall white foreign guy in the hood? I smell a sitcom!

10a. BingBong Programming: Look for an Idol fantasy draft article tomorrow, and possibly an Olympic/Idol podcast later in the week. And if you haven't listened to Jerry the Cynic on last week’s podcast, highly recommend the Idol portion if you are a fan of the show.

10b. 24 Season: Not a huge fan so far. I feel like the last 6 episodes have been absolute filler, chasing one slow plot line after another. Throw in the awful Dana Walsh/ex-boyfriend plot line, and Brian “Bubba Gump” Hastings as the worst actor the series has ever seen, and it’s been pretty disappointing. Season Grade: C+