Lugie's List 3/1: Sindy Crosby Eats Babies

1. Wow. So close. Team USA Hockey couldn’t match the size and skill of the Canadians on paper, but they came within an OT goal of another epic upset. This team of young stars and role players came into Vancouver and played sound hockey, upstaging many of the more talented teams during the tournament. These Olympics helped catapult American players like Ryan Miller, Brian Rafalski, Patrick Kane and Zack Parise into house-hold names around the county. When Parise scored the equalizer late in the third period, it had the potential to be an all-time Olympic and American sports moment. Unfortunately, Team USA couldn’t pull it off in OT losing to Canada in the gold medal game 3-2. A moment like Parise’s goal tends to get forgotten when your team doesn’t pull out the W. Even so, it is hard to be disappointed with the effort and the silver medal.

2. It had to be Sindy Crosby, didn’t it? The Mount Rushmore of players I hate in sports right now looks like this: Lebron, Crosby, Papelbon and Jerry Jones (not a player, but pure evil). Crosby now holds the number one spot on this list.

3. The NHL has a big opportunity to piggy back the rest of its season off these Olympic Games. Can this momentum help catapult the NHL back into a top sports league? If the NHL and individual teams can’t promote the league after an amazing Olympic hockey tournament chalk full of NHL studs, then what chance does it really have? All the NHL has done since it came back from the devastating lock-out was slam Crosby vs. Ovechkin down our throats. With Crosby being resented by most Americans outside of Pittsburgh, and Ovechkin failing to take the Caps deep in the playoffs (yet), the NHL has really failed to engage the casual American fan again. The Olympics finally provided a platform to promote many of the up and coming American players and established stars in other countries. I’m guessing we will probably find out later today that Sunday’s USA-Canada hockey finale was the most watched hockey game EVER. Will this help the NHL’s struggling rating on NBC? Does the casual fan tune into this year’s Stanley Cup Playoffs because many of the Olympic heroes again will be center stage? If I was the NHL marketing department, I’d be working around the clock to keep the Olympic momentum going. You don’t get opportunities like this very often with a struggling sport. Earth to Gary Bettman – stop worrying about a failing franchise in Phoenix and promote the rest of the league!

4. I know this is going to sound like classic American egotism, but honestly, Canada needed this one WAY more than we did. This was probably the biggest game in Canadian sports history. Canada is cold, really boring without street crime and strangely cleaner than most male apartments in Chelsea. All they have in Canada is hockey. Even Canadians will tell you this is all they have. As Bob Costas and Al Michaels said at the beginning of the closing ceremonies, if the USA had pulled out an OT win Sunday, the closing ceremonies would have had the atmosphere of a state funeral. Plus, I really didn’t want the guilt of the suicide rate in Upper Saskatchewan rising 500% in one week, did you?

5. Turning the TV from USA-Canada to the Nets-Wizards NBA battle royal in Newark was like going from finishing a filet mignon and having spam for desert. It was like changing the channel from Seinfeld to Tyler Perry’s House of Pain. As far as relevant sporting events in America go, USA-Canada will probably be the top American sporting event behind the Super Bowl in 2010, while a Wizards-Nets regular season game probably had a slightly better rating than the National High School Cheerleading Finals on ESPN2 (ok so maybe I watched…oops, ya caught me!). All 10 fans in attendance at the Nets-Wizards game should have their freedom to watch sporting events revoked by Obama. Unacceptable.

6. Say what you want about NBC’s Olympic coverage, but I don’t think any network can match their team of play-by-play announcers, color commentators and in-studio hosts. All top notch. I can watch Bob Costas talk about sports by a fake fire place all day and all night. And Mr. Figure Skating Scott Hamilton was just one of many event specialists that were highly entertaining. I added the audio in this link to my sleep mix. http://tv.gawker.com/5481409/figure-skating-makes-scott-hamilton-orgasm

7. Over the last few years I’ve been one of the top jinx artists for the Chicago Cubs winning a World Series. The funny thing is I actually like the Cubs and would love to see them win a World Series. It is just way too much fun to torment Cubs fans. They really are a bunch of lovable losers. Anyways, I couldn’t stop laughing Sunday watching Bob Costas compare the American gold medals in Nordic Combined and Bobsledding at the Winter Olympic being the equivalent of the Cubs winning the pennant/world series. “Who knows what 2010 has in-stored at Wrigley,” Costas said. I’ll be sure to get my seat along Michigan Ave tomorrow for the parade Costas. Good news Cubs fans? We are only a year away until pitchers and catchers report for 2011 spring training! Game – set – match Lugerner.

-Steve Lugerner

P.S. I get it - most of you would not have confidence in me to win a 1st grade spelling bee. However, let me be clear, the spelling of Crosby's first name is very intentional in this column. A little more confidence people - I'd Google something like that before spelling it wrong 3 times (except that time I spelled Leinart "Lineart" 10 times in a column - FML I have a disease).

P.P.S. I have no clue why spell check can't spell Pittsburgh right - so from here on out, it will be referred to as Pittsburg. Thank you.

The Bernie Madoff of Fantasy Sports Presents Fantasy American Idol!

I’ve been called the Bernie Madoff of fantasy sports. The scheme is pretty simple: run enough fantasy leagues to create a small scale ponzi scheme, shuffling entry fees of one league to the recent winners of others.

There is one major problem though. Fantasy football ends in January and fantasy baseball league collections don’t start until March. And unless I search long and hard for friends who would play fantasy premier league, PGA or NASCAR, I have no way of bridging this 2 month gap. (Full disclosure: my attempt at playing fantasy NASCAR ended after 5 weeks of setting my lineup. Never again.)

With my ponzi scheme teetering on a Madoff-like collapse, I discovered a simple answer: FANTASY AMERICAN IDOL.

What started as a small wager in 2006 between me and roommate Josh Goldstein during Idol Season 6 has turned into a fourth annual America Idol Fantasy League. Many of my friends have been amazed that A) I like American Idol so much and B) I found a way to gamble on it. The truth is no one should be ashamed of watching. Idol has become an American institution that we talk about around the water cooler the next day like any other major television event.

How does a fantasy Idol league work? Draft the top 24 contestants among 6 teams, with each team drafting 4 contestants (other variations are acceptable). How you score the fantasy league is really up to you and your friends. I’ve always subscribed to a winner-take-all mentality (since there is only one Idol every season), but an escalating points system based on the order of the top 12 will also work.

So without detailed analysis on Fantasy Idol that you get for a fantasy football or baseball draft, allow me to bring you up to speed with what to look for on your Idol draft day. Here is a rundown of the types of contestants you see every year in the Idol draft pool:

The Non-Contenders

Jail Bait & Heart Throbs (Kellie Pickler, Haley Scarnato, Kristy Lee Cook, Chris Richardson, Ace Young, Ashley Rodriguez? Casey James?) – This is the group of contestants you probably spot early on due to their rockin’ bods and good looks. Most of us know they don’t have the chops to actually get far on their singing ability, but it takes America somewhere in the 8-12 left range to realize it. Despite being vocally challenged and clearly hanging on because of the middle aged men on parole vote (works for both the females and males), that doesn’t stop this type of contestant from outlasting many with better voices and talent. While this group never makes it far enough to contend, expect them to finish in the 6-12 range and earn you some fantasy points in the process. Look for any early flirting from judges in Hollywood week as a huge tip-off for this type of contestant. I’m convinced Simon has a picture of Haley Scarnato’s legs by his bed-side the way he drooled during Season 6 (This season: Kara and Casey Jones)

The Contestants You’d Smoke A Joint With while they Play Coldplay on Guitar (Jason Castro, Brooke White, Crystal Boxersox?) – With instruments playing a much larger role in recent seasons, this group of contestants can make the top 12 on their artsy, door room vibe and unique song interpretations. Eventually though, it boils down to Idol being a singing contest and for contestants being able to seize the moment at center stage. I really can’t see mainstream America ever buying into one of these contestants as a winner, but look to draft them in the 2nd or early 3rd round with a decent shot to crack the top 8.

The Sanjays (Sanjaya) –Sanjaya has already done more than enough to destroy the fabric of America. Why President Bush didn’t have him imprisoned in Guantanamo as an enemy combatant I’ll never understand. Thanks to VotefortheWorst.com and Howard Stern spearheading a campaign to keep Sanjaya around, he was able to hang on to get 7th place and record 38 million votes during his time on Idol. During this whole controversy Idol producers were literally crapping themselves daily at the thought of a PR campaign “to vote for the worst contestant” bringing down the #1 show on TV. If you are looking for a late round pick that might squeak into the top 12 and earn you some points, you could do a lot worse than drafting a Sanjaya-like contestant.

Front Running Men (Michael Johns, Anoop Desai, Matt Giraud, Brandon Rogers, Phil Stacey, Danny Gokey, Andrew Garcia) – These guys will catch your eye early on in Hollywood week with an amazing performance, good personality or an intriguing back story. Almost all these guys are locks to be high first round picks every year (except Phil Stacey –if Elton John thinks Idol is racist in its voting, the unspoken discrimination on the show is people without hair – don’t draft anyone bald or balding). The leading men almost always breeze into the top 12 on their natural ability, but eventually fall flat after a slew of bad song choices, lack of image/personality or a classic disco week massacre. It is almost impossible to avoid drafting one of these guys when it’s your turn in the first round, but just keep this paragraph in the back of your mind.

The Contenders

The Rockers (Bo Bice, Chris Daughtry, David Cook) – I was thinking of using some type of civil rights analogy with Bo Bice inspiring Daughtry to try out who paved the way for David Cook’s Idol win, but then I realized I’d have a chance of being less in touch with reality than Floyd Mayweather. (Sports ASIDE: REALLY FLOYD? Comparing yourself to Martin Luther King for wanting drug testing in a boxing match? That’s ridiculously stupid even for you. I posted what he said at the end of this article). If you see a top rocker in Hollywood week, don’t hesitate to use an early round pick on them.

The Not-Not-Not Straight Men* (David Hernandez, Jorge Nunez, Clay Aiken, David Archuleta?, Danny Noriega, Adam Lambert) – How weird do all those teenage girls feel 7 years later for gushing over Clay Aiken? This group has some success on Idol, but with 3 runner-ups and 0 wins, it remains to be seen whether America can get behind a possibly gay, or in the case of Lambert, very openly gay contestant. But hey, if Barak can become president, who says a guy who looks like this can’t be the next American Idol?! I have a feeling next year I could be writing about the Adam Lambert Effect – when a gay male acts so outrageous and scary toward mainstream America that even Richard Simmons seems straight next to him. Could this be the year? Time will tell but don’t be afraid to take these guys on draft day.

The Solid, yet Undefined (Kris Allen, Blake Lewis, Katharine McPhee, Jordin Sparks, Syesha Mercado, Taylor Hicks) – This group never quite reaches ‘phonebook’ status that I’ll touch on in just a minute. Yet, they consistently pile up very good to great performances week after week resulting in three winners from this group (Allen, Sparks and Hicks). Yes, all these contestants had their own styles and memorable performances, but none of them struck me as incredible singers. Which brings me to – how the hell did Taylor Hicks win American Idol? How did I lose fantasy Idol that year with Daughtry to a guy in his 20s with white hair? I’d be lying if that hadn’t kept me up a few nights - one of the worst beats of my life.

The Phonebook Singers (Fantasia Barrino, Jennifer Hudson, Carrie Underwood (also a member of the Jail Bait category), Elliot Yamin, Lakisha Jones, Melinda Doolittle, Carly Smithson, Ruben Studdard). One of my favorite Randy Jackson lines every season: “But DAWG it doesn’t matter – you could sing the phone book and it would sound amazin’!” Maybe I’m a purist, but the best part about Idol for me is discovering amazing vocal talent every season. The problem with this group though is America is stupid. This type of contestant often gets eliminated way too early because the public votes for gimmicks (Blake Lewis) AND WHITE F’ING HAIR (Taylor Hicks)! So while strong vocals will probably are my #1 criteria on draft day, too often this group puts up a disappointing finish because they lack mainstream appeal. Could Ruben Studdard win in a post-Taylor Hicks Idol era? Absolutely not.

Did this article give you way too much info on American Idol? I can only hope so.

-Steve Lugerner

*Not-not joke stolen from Noah J. Gold

Mayweather Comments: “If it was all about money for me, I would’ve said ‘I don’t care what Manny Pacquiao does, just give me the money, I’ll take it. But it’s me taking a stand for something that means something. And it’s for the fighters who are up and coming.“It’s sort of the same stance Martin Luther King and Malcolm X made, so we could have freedoms, so everybody could tell the world that we’re equal. The only thing I’m saying is that we are equal. So if you’re not on nothing and I’m not on nothing, then let’s go take the test. That’s all I’m saying."

Lugie's List 2/22 - U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

1. What an amazing win turned in by USA hockey in a 5-3 upset over tournament favorite Canada Sunday night. Ryan Miller was sensational in goal for team USA, which sealed the victory on an absurd empty net goal thanks to the hustle of Ryan Kesler. This is what the Winter Olympics are about – sticking it to the Canadians and Russians.

2. I know this was a big upset, but the media has to stop comparing this USA team to the 1980 Gold Medal team. Using the 30th anniversary as a way to motivate is one thing. It is another to compare a roster of true amateurs to a current roster full of NHL players. We might not have the caliber squads of Canada and Russia top to bottom, but when NBC and the media make the comparison it is actually belittling the Miracle on Ice in Lake Placid.

3. Music I heard at the Canada Hockey Place Arena: Cotton Eye Joe, YMCA, Dave Matthews Band. Music I didn’t hear: Celine Dion, Paul Anka, Shania Twain. Score another one for USA on the cultural victory: USA 6 Canada 3.

4. Mike “Doc” Emrick who called the USA-Canada game is the Gus Johnson of hockey. Mesmerizing play-by-play Sunday and I am pretty sure he had a minor heart attack in the last 5 minutes. I counted 1 breath, and only 10 seconds of air time for color-commentator Ed Olczyk in the final 2 minutes.

5. Who the hell at NBC thought it made more sense to air ice dancing on the main network and relegate USA-Canada to MSNBC? That’s like airing the Westminster Dog Show on ABC while showing the NBA finals on ESPN2. Honestly, if we are giving the skating-nerds figure skating as a sport, they shouldn’t be allowed to have ice dancing too. I’ll have a petition ready for 2014.

6. Jaromir Jagr getting absolutely decked by Alexander Ovechkin during the Czech-Russia game Sunday was every Caps fans' wet dream. I hope Jagr has been able to get his chronic depression under control back in Russia because he’s going to have to deal with post-traumatic stress syndrome after Ovechkin’s de-skater.

7. My first 6 (now 7) bullets about hockey? Take that Noah Gold! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

8. Is there any player in the NBA less interested in life than Vince Carter? I’m curious if he has a single fan anymore he looks that bored. His lack of expressions/passion is worse than a white guy watching a House of Pain marathon.
(Aside: Let me just say, I am white, and I love House of Pain. I’ve sat through many a marathon. It’s a real shame more people don’t give it a chance.)

9. Zydrunas Ilgauskas (it took me 5 attempts to Google and get his name right) said this week “His heart is in Cleveland” after being traded to the Washington Wizards.
# of times anyone has ever uttered those words before: 0
# of times anyone will ever utter those words again: 0
Personally, I think Z would be much happier taking up residence in southeast DC. A tall white foreign guy in the hood? I smell a sitcom!

10a. BingBong Programming: Look for an Idol fantasy draft article tomorrow, and possibly an Olympic/Idol podcast later in the week. And if you haven't listened to Jerry the Cynic on last week’s podcast, highly recommend the Idol portion if you are a fan of the show.

10b. 24 Season: Not a huge fan so far. I feel like the last 6 episodes have been absolute filler, chasing one slow plot line after another. Throw in the awful Dana Walsh/ex-boyfriend plot line, and Brian “Bubba Gump” Hastings as the worst actor the series has ever seen, and it’s been pretty disappointing. Season Grade: C+

NBA Trade Deadline / American Idol Podcast with Jerry Silverberg - Part 1

(DOWNLOAD INSTRUCTIONS AT END OF POST)
What do you get when you sit two large men on a very small couch for an hour? A podcast of epic proportions. So big, we had to chop it into two parts. I'd post a picture of Silverberg to go with this podcast, but little known fact, he is one of the few people on this planet that have NEVER had facebook. I opted to go with Fozzy Bear instead (for those not in the know - it'll make more sense once you hear his voice on the podcast).

In Part 1 we gab about the NBA trade deadline, Cleveland acquiring Antawn Jamison, the value of cap space and where the free agent class of 2010 will land.

PART 1 - NBA Trade Deadline & 2010 Free Agents

2:40 – Jamison to the Cavilers – Good trade for Cleveland? Should they have gone with Amare Stoudemire? Wizards roster an abomination.

6:00 – Lebron staying in Cleveland after this trade?

8:00 – Clippers, Bulls, Knicks, Nets freeing up cap space

9:25 – Do any of these teams with cap space have a chance to land a top 2010 free agent?

10:00 – What are the Knicks doing?

12:00 – 2010 Free agent roulette!

13:45 – Where does Lebron end up?

16:10 – Dwayne Wade

19:10 – Chris Bosh

21:15 – Amare Stoudemire

22:45 – Why Mike D’Antoni might commit suicide

24:10 – Joe Johnson

25:25 – Playing in New York vs. anywhere else

- Steve Lugerner

Download Instructions
iTunes Download:
In iTunes, go to Advanced, Subscribe to Podcast, and cut paste this address http://www.bingbongsports.com/feeds/posts/default
Steam live audio (if computer doesn't block box.net):
Part 1: http://www.box.net/shared/gs2ve2s7yq
Part 2: http://www.box.net/shared/ksuaxga5u8
Download to computer:
Click on title of article

NBA Trade Deadline / American Idol Podcast with Jerry Silverberg - Part 2

In Part 2 we touch on the Winter Olympics and American Idol Season 8.

PART 2 - American Idol Season 8
0:00 – Idol dominating the Olympics in ratings

1:00 – NBC non-live coverage – how good are the Winter Olympics all together

2:15 – Figure Skating – pink tassels and shrieks

4:40 – AMERICAN IDOL
(Table of Contents won’t do it justice since we touch on a ton of different people and topics)

4:45 – An entire show of people sitting in rooms? Mary Powers, Idol-filler, bad audition shows

7:35 – Ellen as the new Idol judge

8:30 – Misleading commercial teasers, lack of sing-offs or two person tension, Simon’s new show X-Factor

9:45 – Simon leaving the show – who will replace him? Howard Stern?

14:00 – Lugie starts talking like Jerry

14:30 – Rundown of top Idol contestants (tons of name dropping)

18:55 – Jerry’s Fantasy Idol success

20:50 – Angela Martin getting the boot – Idol has no soul

21:30 – Kara STINKS!

24:00 – Taylor Hicks 2.0? Lilly Scott grey hair

25:15 – Idol going after a girl winner this year

27:00 – Someone got the boot from the Idol Top 24

27:35 – Katelyn Epperly no one cares your parents got divorced

29:33 – Jerry admits to actually calling and voting after a few Idol episodes

- Steve Lugerner

Download Instructions
iTunes Download:
In iTunes, go to Advanced, Subscribe to Podcast, and cut paste this address http://www.bingbongsports.com/feeds/posts/default
Steam live audio (if computer doesn't block box.net):
Part 1: http://www.box.net/shared/gs2ve2s7yq
Part 2: http://www.box.net/shared/ksuaxga5u8
Download to computer:
Click on title of article

BingBong Programming for the Week (2/15)

The Super Bowl sports writing hangover hit with a vengeance last week, but I’m hopeful to get BingBong back on track with content all week. Let’s be honest. Did you really want an NBA All-Star Weekend preview? Daytona 500 analysis? Even an Olympic preview would have been hours of me researching stuff that you don’t care about.

On the topic of things you don’t care about, but I write about - here are my quick thoughts on my Wizards sending Caron Butler, Deshawn Stevenson and Brendan Heywood to the Dallas Mavericks for Josh Howard:

• Really tough to see Caron go. There was awhile most of us in DC thought Caron could actually be our franchise player after all the Arenas injuries and Caron thriving without him. We went from praying he’d drop to us in the 2002 draft, to robbing the Lakers to get him trading Wizard ledged Kwame Brown, to loving his hard work and tough play, to running him out of town. :ALSJDLAKSJDLKJDFIIHDNSJLFKJdd – TYPICAL WIZARDS CAREER.


• Deshawn Stevenson still does the “I can’t feel my face” after making a 3 despite shooting a stunningly awful 18% from 3-point range this year. How stupid do you have to be to idiotically showboat at the rare 1 out of every 5 times you make a shot? If there was a steroid for making 3-pointers (made 40% in ’06-’07), Stevenson would be the poster boy. O/U 18 months before this guy is out of the league.


• Who knew there was a chance my Juwan Howard jersey would ever get worn again! That’s right – Josh Howard’s # in Dallas was 5, and if Wizards bench-warmer Dominic McGuire gives up the #, so many Washington fans are bringing their Howard 5 jerseys out of retirement. Honestly, as bad as this team is playing and will play for the next few years, management should force this # change to save the fans some money on a new jersey. It’s the right thing to do.

And to properly sum up the Wizards Dan Steinberg of DC Sports Blog throws it down this AM: http://voices.washingtonpost.com/dcsportsbog/2010/02/wizards_demolition_is_complete.html#more

Here is what to expect this week on BingBong:
Wednesday: The Madoff of Fantasy Sports – America Idol Fantasy League Analysis

Wed/Thur: An NBA article By Noah Gold?! NO WAY JOSE!

Thursday: NBA Trade Deadline/American Idol Podcast – guest Jerry Silverberg (that voice on a podcast = high comedy...must listen)

Friday: Some exciting TBD!

-Steve Lugerner

Lugie's Super Bowl XLIV Diary: Onion Dip's Revenge

It may not have the readership of the Emory Wheel, but I’m glad to again deliver my Super Bowl diary to BingBongSports. Let me set the scene:

We have a close group of 12-14 guys in attendance in what some have described as a modern version of the He-Man-Woman-Haters Club. Oh, and one guy was allowed to bring his wife. We make exceptions even for those tied to one vagina for the rest of their life, real smart Frank. Below is a list of the food for the party (and if you have a heart problem, please skip ahead to the next paragraph).

5 different types of chips/snack foods (Kettle Jalapeno chips = heaven)
Salsa, Onion Dip, Guacamole, Cheddar and Brie cheese (how classy am I springing for Brie?)
Pigs in a blanket
4 pizzas (2 cheese, 1 buffalo chicken, 1 BBQ chicken)
60 Wings

Thankfully, I struck a deal with Depends to sponsor the party in return for free adult diapers for all guests in attendance. And for the record this will be 1 of roughly 20 jokes I make regarding bowel movements. I’m sorry in advance, but poop sells.

Alright it’s time to get to the diary.

Bets for the crowd to follow along with:
- Super Bowl box #s (where you win with a combination of the last digit of each teams score)
- Under Carrie Underwood Anthem (1:42) (I’ll explain my change later)
- Under Kim Kardashian live appearances (2.5)
- Under Archie Manning live appearances (4.5)
- Under Hurricane Katrina references (2.5)
- The first play challenged will stand
- Clear/Water dumped on the winning coach (audibled from Red because RED has never won…research goes a long way in nutty bets like these)
- Under 57.5 points
- Almost everyone at the party bet the Colts

6:21 – Carrie Underwood Anthem time. Now despite writing that I was going to bet the over, an hour of pre-game research with prop-bet gurus Jeff Alexander and Jerry Silverberg had us clocking Carrie at 1:40ish from a sound-check rehearsal. This had us bet the under. As the anthem got to the half way mark, all of us liked how quick she got out to start along with some very fluid verse transitions. Then disaster strikes, as Carrie clearly had money on the over. She stretched out “free” an anthem record 10 seconds. Over hits, and I am pissed for second guessing myself.

6:28 – Head Referee Scott Green? A Jewish ref? I like my chances on this coin toss!

6:28 – Shades of Tom Brady in 2006, a player I hate comes out to do the coin toss - EMMIT SMITH. THE COIN IS UP….HEADS! I give a Kobe fist pump to the crowd. 3-PEAT!!!! Look, we can analyze this until the cows come home, but heads came to play today and is in the midst of a coin toss dynasty.

6:31 – Up before the game starts thanks to another clutch heads performance. And we are on our way in Super Bowl XLIV.

6:33 – I bet the under and the first drive for the Saints is a 3 and out. The Lugie/Jerry “Tickkkkkkkkk tick tick tick tick tickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk” comes out less than 2 minutes into the game.

6:35 – A Colts first down off the bat prompts the most premature anything since guest Sean Mobasser had sexual relations with his girlfriend earlier in the day. Jerry Silverberg: “I should have bet more on the Colts” – To quote the Wolf in Pulp Fiction, “Let’s not start sucking each other’s d*#ks just yet.” (If you are my 13-year old nieces reading this, the bleeped out word is Ducks, I swear).

6:43 – Look - if you are going to shove religion down my throat during the Super Bowl, at least come out swinging. I may not shutdown my backdoor abortion clinic, but hey, at least we can have a conversation about the topic with respect. Tim Teebow and his mom say absolutely nothing about abortion or pro-life in a watered down network TV cop out. I wish Tim was never born. There I said it.

6:48 – Reggie Bush makes his first catch as we all brace for a Kim Kardashian shot. Straight to replay! Love you CBS.

6:59 – A Joseph Addai sighting! Addai literally breaks Darren Sharper’s ankles – who thought Addai would step it up tonight?

7:01 – Pierre “The Waiter” Garcon gets the TD from Peyton Manning – the Colts are dominating early up 10-0.

7:03 – Danica Patrick and GoDaddy.com are back. I think we’ve all realized after years of going to the site looking for porn that GoDaddy is a huge disappointment. Mr. Dave Silverstein yells at the TV, “THERE IS NOTHING MORE at GoDaddy.com…trust me, I’ve gone.”

7:20 – In an ad everyone will be talking about around the water cooler Monday, a hilarious jab at the Leno vs. the world feud with Letterman-Oprah-Leno. WHO YOU KICKING OUT OF YOUR HOT TUB? (After the game: Jerry Silverberg informs me they asked Conan to do the ad and he declined. Think he still hates Leno? You bet ya.)

7:21 – Definitely one of my favorite ads of the night so far. Casual Fridays at the office shows a ton of guys not wearing pants. I’ve had this dream every day for the last 20 years, and someone just put it in a commercial for me. And as I’m writing this, I realize I have no clue what company the ad is for so it gets docked points for lack of brand impression.

7:21 – Back-to-back pants-less commercials! USA! USA!

7:25 – The Waiter drops a HUGE 3rd down ball from Peyton Manning and everyone in attendance at the time is saying it's a turning point in the game. The Colts are leaving the Saints around early.

7:27 – Bud Light counters the early Doritos lead with an amazing jab at the Lost hysteria. Budweiser back in the mix against Doritos for commercial king.

7:35 – BIG 3rd down coming up – the Saints are knocking on the door to tie this game – we are at the 2 minute warning and with only 13 points being scored, the sky high O/U of 57.5 points is almost a lock to go under. Score another one for the good guys.

7:37 – Note to self - don’t send flowers in a box – who says you can’t learn how to be a good boyfriend watching football?

7:39 – The Colts get a MONSTER stop on 3rd down still leading 10-3. The crowd at the party goes nuts as 5 of us in attendance have the Colts 0, Saints 6 in a box game. That’s a HUGE potential halftime win if you are scoring at home.

7:42 – THE SAINTS ARE GOING FOR IT ON 4th down? The crowd in attendance becomes visibly angry and violent as we see a huge box game win go down the drain. The Saints get stopped as we all take some solace in the Saints crapping the bed early.

7:46 – The FLO TV commercial is gold as Jim Nantz gives us hysterical play-by-play of a guy getting led around by his girlfriend shopping for the least masculine items possible. Did several people say this was me during the commercial because I have a girlfriend? Yes. Do I have pottery class and book club this week? Maybe – but that doesn’t make me any less of a man!

7:47 – After completely writing off our halftime box win, Sean Payton gets a do over on his 4th down call as the Saints get the ball back with under a minute and a field goal very much in play

7:50 – As the Saints line up for a halftime ending field goal – 5 of us at the party lock arms praying for a make. The Kick is up… REDEMPTION! – YOU CAN PUT IT ON THE BOARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD YES!

7:51 – Recap at the half – because of the huge drop by The Waiter, the Colts ran almost no meaningful plays in the 2nd quarter, yet still lead 10-6. On other bets, a big box game win for most of the party and no sign of Archie Manning, Kim Kardashian or Hurricane Katrina. I said it on the podcast, CBS is a professional telecast. If this had been Fox, I’m pretty sure we would have seen Kim Kardashian's thong 5 times by now.

8:02 – There was a bet we declined to take on the over/under 5.5 Pete Townshend guitar windmills during the half time show. The over was the heavy favorite for good reason. We all erupt as Townshend goes nut-so on the guitar out to an early 4 windmills.

8:08 – 6 MORE WINDMILSS in a row from Townshend. The crowd groans as we realized we passed up easy money.

8:12 – I can't help but think the sick part of me aches for the days of nipple-gate. Imagine if we’d had a medley of Miley Cyrus, Lady Gaga and LMAFO with Lil John – there is no way we’d have gotten out of that halftime show without full on sex happening on live TV. (I just vomited in my mouth a little thinking about how that would work.)

8:22 – WOW SEAN PAYTON HAS ICE IN HIS VEINS. The Saints recover the onside kick to start the half after Hank “I'm married to a girl with really fake boobies” Baskett fumbles the football like he’s never felt all natural pigskin before. I have to give Sean Payton credit - he didn’t come this far to play conservative like so many other coaches.

8:28 – Pierre Thomas sneaks in for the score on a pass from Drew Brees. Who Dat Nation going nuts in New Orleans as the Saints take a 13-10 lead.

8:35 – Peyton Manning drops a ridiculous touch pass to Dallas Clark for a big gain. As Jerry Silverberg points out tracking the pulse of Twitter during the game, several people Tweeted something similar to “all those Saints fans and players celebrating must have forgotten Peyton Manning plays for the Colts.”

8:37 – Manning to Clark down to the 5 prompts a ‘White Power’ chant from a guest who will remain anonymous. By sheer coincidence this is the same guy who dropped this gem during the 2006 Super Bowl: 2006 7:21 p.m.: This next moment is sending us straight to hell. The ad for campaignforrealbeauty.com comes on, which somehow sparks a sarcastic slow clap followed by boos and laughs. As one friend put it, "For the money they just spent on that commercial, they could have gotten plastic surgery for every one of those girls." An hour into the game, it's safe to say we are all wasted.

8:38 – The Colts answer RIGHT back as Joseph Addai goes in for the score. 17-13 Colts as Who Dat Nation realizes…crap, this is Peyton FREAKIN’ Manning.

8:45 – Another Reggie Bush first down and no Kim Kardashian. Now I’m just dying to see her cause I’ve had a few drinks and I’m feeling a little frisky.

8:48 – We get confirmation that the Barney Stinson number for the How I Met Your Mother ad is indeed real and that if you call it you can set up a date with him. I have Wednesday February 5th in 2018!

8:49 – The Saints respond with a field goal that gets them within 1 – the way the Colts and Peyton are playing, I personally would have gone for it 4th and 2 from the Colts 30. But hey, that’s why I’m sitting here on a cheap green leather couch straight out of myfirstauditions.com, and why Sean Payton coaches in the NFL. (I have no idea if that site is real, but I’d guess it is NSFW)

8:50 – AWESOME Google commercial. Had the crowd really into it, sustained interest, and unlike some of the other ads trying to get cute with no punch line, everyone could relate to it. Jerry let's us know the Twitter crowd agrees it is the ad of the night. BING JUST GOT SERVED!
8:54 – A few of us get into a discussion of how much better Jim Nantz and Phil Simms are calling the game vs. the half-dead Joe Buck and the good, but serviceable, Troy Aikman. It really is not even close, and to boot, CBS is focused on the game and not Kim Kardashian bending over to pick up a Frito off the ground in her luxury box (obvi can't go an entire column without at least one pic!)

8:56 – 4th quarter – Do or die time for the party betting the Colts.

9:02 – In a critical play in the game, Coach Manning says go for it on a 4th and 2 on the Saints 42-yard line. Manning wheels and deals at the line and hits Reggie Wayne with a strike on a slant route. Someone wake Jim Caldwell up from his nap. WE GOT A BALL GAME!

9:05 – Matt Stover misses a 51 yard field goal that really should not have been attempted. At age 42 he needed the entire north side of the stadium blowing to even get the distance on it, but that didn’t keep it from hooking hard left.

9:13 – The pro-Colts crowd at the party goes deathly silent as Jeremy Shockey scores a Super Bowl touchdown. I can hear from my window Giants fans lighting themselves on fire. Saints 22-17…and going for 2.

9:19 – Talk about a play that looked incomplete before you get the super duper trooper slow mo replay. The play gets overturned and the 2-point conversion is good – a few of us lose our 'play stands' on the first challenge bet – and the Colts are down a 7. WE NEED A HERO! Can Peyton deliver?

9:21 – Anyone want to take off work Tuesday for the Denny’s free grand slam meal between 6 am and 2 pm? ROAD TRIP! Let’s drive to as many tri-state Denny’s locations as possible and just stock up on grand slam goodness. Someone at the party points out that the chicken playing the president in the commercial isn’t black. Anyone want to bet Al Sharpton will be out on a crusade tomorrow asking Americans to boycott Denny’s?

9:23 – Peyton rallies the troops and gets us started with a 17-yard pass to The Waiter. Plenty of time remaining.

9:29 – I’ll leave this one unedited: WAHHHHHHHHHHP:KLJDAS:KLD:LSAKFIKSl;akjsdflkasdj – STUNNED. All the life in room just completely went dead. Manning INTASLKDHALJKSHDSA. Saints up 31-17.

9:34 – “Brees is the MVP, Baskett is a goat and Caldwell should be fired” – Jeff Alexander’s game recap. None of us can believe it. We all knew the Saints were a good team, but it’s Peyton Manning. It’s Peyton F-ING MANNING! My head is spinning thinking about this – or maybe that’s just the onion dip seeping into my blood stream.

9:37 – I CAN’T STRESS THIS ENOUGH: DO NOT GO TO GODADDY.COM. IT’S A TRICK! THERE ARE NO BOOBS! THERE ARE NO BOOBS!

9:43 – Peyton frantically tries to rally the troops down field for a two TD miracle, but it was not to be. Wayne drops a 4th down pass in the end zone and it’s all over from Miami. For as solid as the Colts looked on offense at times, credit the Saints defense for giving up only 17 points and making the big play to the house when it mattered. Ah, to be a fly on the wall in a French Quarter bathroom stall right now – New Orleans GOING nuts.

9:45 – ORANGE GATORADE?!?!?! Really? What kind of team drinks orange Gatorade? Things have taken a turn for the worse as we lose our Gatorade color bet.

10:00 Who let the grumpy old dude hold the trophy – ANYONE REMEMBER WHEN TOM BENSON TRIED TO MOVE THE SAINTS TO SAN ANTONIO AFTER KATRINA? What a joke and a scum bag.

10:01 – Random celebrity sighting in the post game. How did the Ragin Cajun, Mr. James Carville, get on the field?

10:04 – To sum up the night, a hot start with HEADS and the halftime box game win followed by the Colts loss turned this year’s Super Bowl into a big even Steven event. Credit CBS for giving us wins on nearly every fun prop bet with Kardashian, Archie Manning and Hurricane Katrina not mentioned at all (don’t worry we texted ‘Haiti’ to 90099 to offset cheering against Katrina so we don’t go to hell). Despite being even, when you factor in the co-pay and after insurance costs of the colonoscopy I have scheduled in the AM, I came out way behind (pun very intended). Peyton fails to cement himself in football lore, and while I don’t doubt he will be back, as a fan of Peyton, it is hugely disappointing.

10:17 – Alcohol consumption for the party was mild to light, with really just a few people having some beers during the game. Unbeknownst to all us, Mr. Sean ‘Moby’ Mobasser was completely destroyed by the end of the game. How did I learn this? We find Moby staring out my kitchen window into other apartments with his pants at his ankles and wee-wee hanging out for all to see. And just when I thought the party couldn’t get any more disgusting …Moby went and did something like this. AND TOTALLY REDEEMED HIMSELF!

So what did we learn this year? CBS doesn’t show celebrities on TV, avoid bathrooms at work tomorrow and Peyton Manning is human. After a long football season, it’s hard to be unhappy with the Saints and New Orleans winning, but in the end it's still a disappointing outcome.

-Steve Lugerner

P.S. If you took any props with your friends on this column, here is how you scored:
O/U 4.5 Poop or colon-type references – UNDER
O/U 2.5 Kim Kardashian sexual innuendo - OVER
O/U 1.5 Old School references - OVER
O/U 1.5 references to Boobs – OVER
O/U 3.5 misspelled words (I obviously can’t determine this one) - TBD
REVISED at 1:17 PM - The OVER HIT! This is what happens trying to edit your own work at 3 am.