Throwback Super Bowl Diary 2006: Where Lugie's Line Began

Digging through the Emory Wheel archives, I stumbled across my Super Bowl Diary from 2006 - In one of the worst Super Bowls in recent memory between the Seattle Seahawks and Pittsburgh Steelers. I even added back in one of my favorite lines that was cut by a Wheel editor. Some nice Friday reading (hey if NFL films can show every old Super Bowl for 2 weeks, why can't I post my old Super Bowl diaries?):

Column: Lugie's Line - Super letdown: Game doesn't live up to hype

By Steven Lugerner (2/10/2006)

I've been dreading writing this column for two days now. I keep asking myself how can I write an entertaining Super Bowl diary on the worst game, commercials and halftime production I've seen in my 21 years on the planet? Well, here goes.

3:01 p.m: I was not planning on starting my column this early, but out of the corner of my eye a GODDESS appeared on the HDTV: Matt Hasselbeck's mom. Maybe the most attractive older woman I've ever seen. In retrospect, it was the highlight of the entire ABC telecast.

6:21 p.m: It's time for kickoff. I set up my room with two HDTVs and seating for about 20 people. Now, the average sports fan or even casual fan will put money on a team for the big game (I took Seattle). But it takes a real man (or a real gambling problem) to place wagers on proposition bets. For example: Coin Toss - I'm going with my go-to man on this, HEADS to make a comeback after losing to TAILS last year. My roommate, however, thinks it's a terrible bet, reminding me that "Tails never fails."

6:23 p.m: Tom Brady gets booed wearing a velvet sports coat you'd expect to see on Prince and not on a three-time Super Bowl winner. What was the NFL thinking asking him to do the coin toss? I take it as a bad omen for my coin toss bet since I hate every Boston sports franchise.

6:24 p.m: "It's TAILS" - F&#@ YOU TOM BRADY, GET OFF THE FIELD.

6:39 p.m.: Bud Light wows the crowd with the rotating Magic Fridge. On the first four commercial breaks, Bud Light spent $10 million, and all were funny. For this, I might actually make an effort to drink only Bud Light.

7:03 p.m: Yes, as you have noticed we are 40 minutes into the game and I have written nothing about the action on the field. That's how boring and disastrous both teams are playing. One of my friends passes out and is immediately removed by security.

7:09 p.m: So girls you want to know what guys talk about during football games? Somehow a debate comes up over sideline reporter Suzi Kolber's "grooming habits." This went on for a good 15 minutes. [edited out in print edition] I hear landing strip is going off at 4 to 1.

7:21 p.m: This next moment is sending us straight to hell. The ad for campaignforrealbeauty.com comes on, which somehow sparks a sarcastic slow clap followed by boos and laughs.
As one friend put it, "For the money they just spent on that commercial, they could have gotten plastic surgery for every one of those girls." An hour into the game, it's safe to say we are all wasted.

7:34: Finally, a football play to write about. Roethlisberger avoids the rush and hits Hines Ward on the first big play of the game. For as bad as the Steelers have played, Seattle has not capitalized. Roethlisberger scores on a QB sneak to put Pittsburgh up 7-3.

7:58: Time to recap the first half. If it wasn't for all the boos and the promise of dancing TriDelt pledges, I would have fallen asleep 30 minutes ago. At 7-3, however, the game is at least close.

8:01 p.m: A worst-case nightmare scenario plays out in my room. THE CABLE GOES OUT! Everyone is freaking out. I'm screeching like a little girl. Ten other guys are all calling Comcast.Complete anarchy has descended upon the room.

8:03 p.m: There was one man who kept his head level in our time of crisis. Josh Goldstein fixed the unplugged cord. He earns a standing ovation and MVP honors.

8:46 p.m: It's gotten bad - real bad. The keg is kicked. Seattle's down 11, and TriDelts are nowhere to be found. We need a Super Bowl miracle.

9:28 p.m: Pittsburgh pulls off a trick play. Antwaan Randle El gets the ball on a reverse, and I immediately yell, "He is passing the ball!"
Everyone watching knew he would throw. Hines Ward goes in for the touchdown. For all the complaining about bad officiating, this game came down to Seattle giving up several big plays. This was the biggest of them all.

10:01 p.m: Finally, the game ends. Steelers 21, Seahawks 10. Super Bowl XL was a complete bust.

10:23 p.m: If there is one guy I'm happy for, it's Bill Cowher. When his career is over, he will go down as one of the greatest NFL coaches of all time.
On another note, Michael Irvin is maybe the dumbest man on the face of the earth. All I can think about is saying, "Mr. Irvin, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."
(Just to show how drunk I am at this point, here are the notes for this entry: "bill cower- i';m ahppy for him....miheal irvin....you sucsakakdfble.....")

10:39p.m: So I went 1-7 in proposition wagers, Seattle lost the game, and some girl thinks it's all right to eat my Golden Grahams. Talk about kicking a guy when he's down.

I end the night alone watching "Grey's Anatomy." Empty wing plates are scattered everywhere. Pretty pathetic.

I'm going to go cry myself to sleep.

-Steven Lugerner

Agent Zero, Randy Winn on JDate, Lincoln Logs and Oden in Boogie Nights 2

A few stories to talk about today:

• In a decision that really was not a surprise at all, NBA Commissioner David Stern suspended Gilbert Areans and Javaris Crittenton for the remainder of the NBA season for their unlicensed gun show in the Verizon Center locker room. At this point, I’m resigned to the Wizards sucking for the next 5 years barring some miracle or Michael Jordan himself coming back to play for us (crap - we tried that once). What really pissed me off yesterday was our GM and President Ernie Grunfeld talking about Arenas in his press conference like they were ready to move on and expect him to play out his contract. Earth to Ernie – the guy is never playing for us again. Not only are fans like myself furious with him and his antics, but you just sold him out and erased his picture from the arena façade and pregame video like Michael J. Fox being erased from existence in Back to the Future I. What I’ll be happy to see is Ernie getting the boot once the Wizards ownership situation is settled with the death of Abe Pollin. He staked his entire credibility with the Big 3 (Jamison Butler and Arenas) and not only did it fail, but he kept the failed experiment together for three more years than he should with drastically diminishing returns. Ernie has already outlasted the usual life span of a GM in pro sports these days, and was an enabler with Gilbert to the point the franchise lost all control over him. And I thought last year I hit Chad Ford’s lottery machine an unhealthy amount hoping the Wizards would get Blake Griffin….it will be exponentially worse for Kentucky’s John Wall (and in case you missed it on Twitter: chadfordinsider It's not Wiz's year RT @bingbongsports Took 39 tries for Wiz to get #1 & John Wall (11.9%) even on a lottery machine we are unlucky)


• Sad to see Johnny Damon and the Yankees part ways this week. The Yankees decided to go with Randy Winn at a much cheaper price. Winn is a solid player with good speed, and the fantasy baseball equivalent of a girl on JDate that if you talk to enough of your friends, you quickly realize you've all taken her on a date in the last year. Never wows you with her stats, usually a 1-2 week pick up until you can find a better option and maybe, just maybe, she can put together lightning in a bottle with a week of home runs and stolen bases.
• By some stroke of bad luck, I somehow follow more Mets twitter accounts than anything else. I couldn’t stop laughing the other day as Mets fans were freaking out about other teams signing starting pitchers Ben Sheets (who’s arm after his most recent surgery I’m told is being held together by crazy glue and Lincoln Logs) and Jon Garland (career 4.42 ERA). I even saw 4-5 people talking about bringing Pedro back!

• On the “things I was curious about but never thought I’d actually get to see” scale of 0-10 – the Greg Oden frontal nudity pics were a solid 8. The only one higher on this scale for male nudity is Shaq, and that’s only because his has been talked about to the point its right up there with the Loch Ness Monster and Big Foot as far as myth and folklore. And now that I’ve thoroughly creeped my readers out, we can stop there for the day.

-Steve Lugerner

Lugie's List 1-25: I'm in Miami B!#%H

Late last night I convinced the BingBongSports editorial board to send me to the Super Bowl in Miami as part of BingBong’s around the clock coverage. My first question on media day to Jeremy Shockey - were you 'intimidated' by Visante Shaincoe’s locker room video as much as I was (and for the love of god, if you are going to Google the Shaincoe video, just know it isn’t suitable for work). I'll follow up with a few questions on his favorite color and how he would restructure the health care reform bill. I’ll fit right in with the other idiot reporters on media day.

Here is this weeks list:

1. AFC Championship: I really thought the Jets had it Sunday - so much so I was starting to fear a Jets win would cause Long Island to implode and sink into the Long Island Sound if they won. Really impressive numbers Peyton Manning put up against a ridiculously good Jets D (although at this point is anything Peyton Manning does that surprising?). Not much to say here other than the number of Peyton Super Bowl ads is currently set at 2.5.

2. NFC Championship: Likely will go down as one of the best NFC title games of all time. Nerves on both sides led to way too many fumbles literally giving fans a heart attack. My friend and BBS loyalist Jeff Alexander had to change his boxers three times during the game to put it in perspective. Everyone is going to say the Vikings gave away this game, and that is partially true. However, I really thought the Saints play calling was atrocious Sunday. The Colts and Vikings didn’t have any delusions – their run games had been really ineffective in recent weeks and ended up passing on most downs. The Saints, despite having an absurdly good passing attack, completely ditched trying to get the ball down field and kept taking the ball out of Drew Brees’ hands. This was not Sean Payton’s best game coaching - that’s for sure.

3. And then there is the vintage ‘Brett Favre-throw-across-his-body-into-coverage-late-game-INT-that-cost-his-team-the-game’ pass that the 6pm SportCenter will have a field day with today. If anything, it shows why Favre shouldn’t be considered the top QB of all-time and maybe not even top 3 at this point (yes I know how old he is but he’s lost way too many big games in this fashion). THE BEST QBs don’t make that pass - they tuck the ball down and get to the 30 to give his their stud FG kicker a shot (Favre easily would have made it into Longwell’s range had he pulled it down and run). Additionally, Favre not granting an interview after the game, taking a play from Cry Baby Lebron James’ playbook, is just classless. I hate to see myself sour on Favre like this, but enough is enough Brett. Behave like an adult or hang it up we are freakin’ sick of it.

4. If this were the NBA, the conspiracy theory yelling would be loud today from Vikings fans. Some of those calls down the stretch in the Vikings-Saints game were a little too close for comfort, and ALL went the Saints way (including a very bogus PI call). But once you realize everyone and their pet iguana watches the Super Bowl, Vikings-Colts or Saints-Colts was a win-win for the NFL. Only the NBA has to instruct their refs who they want in the finals, not the NFL.

5. I want to thank the Sports Karma Gods for not giving us Brett Favre hype or Rex Ryan talking for 2 weeks. I slept like a baby last night.

6. I went 0-2 Sunday on my NFL picks. The pathetic NFL gambler you all know and love is BACK! And as the most incredible day for gambling and food of the entire year approaches, here are my early picks:

• Colts -5 over Saints (don’t love this line right now though)
• Under 55.5 (I’m big on betting against the public, but this line will go higher to ~57 or 58 by game time, so would hold off betting unless you like the over)
• Heads defeating Tails in pregame coin toss – Tails was on a historic run up until the last two Super Bowls. It was Heads the last two years, thus almost insuring it will be Tails this year. However, after the National Championship debacle (where the coin was one side Longhorn and the other the Alabama A – completely screwing things for everyone), all bets are off on which way this coin is going. I know it’s generally been said, “Tails never fails” but I really like the way Heads has been being aggressive during these Super Bowl flips the last few years. I’m taking Heads in a squeaker.
• Color of liquid poured on winning Super Bowl coach: CLEAR – It won’t pay as well as Blue or even Lime green, but trust me on this one. Last year I went with yellow, and lost to clear H2O. I am in contact with both teams’ sideline refreshment directors, and will tweet right away if I hear anything different (shameless plug: check us out on Twitter @BINGBONGSPORTS).
• O/U 2 commercials featuring monkeys – Should be a down year for monkey commercials given the economy and companys not wanting to show monkeys with jobs while so many are unemployed (now that is higher level thinking people). I like the under.

7. When is Jon Gruden going to stop doing Taco Bell commercials? Honestly.

8. I’ve been criticizing Brendan Fraser’s acting ability the last few weeks ahead of the Extraordinary Measures premier. I ask the BingBong readers - who saw either of the Mummy movies, and how the hell did the first one get a sequel? In response to this argument, several people countered with Frasers' epic role in…wait for it…Encino Man. I mean, if ENCINO MAN is everyone's comeback for Fraser’s best role, well then I proved my point.

-Steve Lugerner