Given the Redskins 4-12 season, the Wizards literally shooting themselves in the face at 11-21 (pun very intended) and the Nationals consistently the laughing stock of MLB since their move from Montreal...what franchise is in worse shape?DC hasn’t seen a professional title from its 4 major teams since 1991 (Redskins Super Bowl win...I'm sorry DC United doesn't count...I don't remember that parade down Constitution Avenue). Other than the Caps, who have thrived in a city absent of other competitive teams to the point they are selling out HOCKEY games in Washington DC (that is not a bash on hockey...anyone who has spent time in DC knows how weird this phenomenon is), the Nationals, Wizards and Redskins are embarrassments to their respective leagues. The list of players/coaches who have had success elsewhere, but tanked in DC, is nauseatingly long to the point I am considering a re-write to Billy Joel’s We Didn’t Start the Fire
(one of these days I’ll be bored enough to do it…here is verse:
Gilbert's Guns, the Nats in Last, C-Webb smoking grass
Muresan can’t run, Spurrier’s Fun N’ Gun
Heath Shuler…Kwame Brown….Michael Jordan leaving town…
DANIEL SNYDER WANTS TO PAY! WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO SAY!?
We didn’t start the fire…)
So what DC team is in worse shape? Let's break this one down...Nats vs. Skins vs. Wiz.
To set the mood:
Tommy: Hey, what's your name?
Helen: Helen.
Tommy: That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into a guy's office, let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. Now the pet is my possible sale. Hello there pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stoke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet, you're naughty. And then I take my naughty pet and I go [makes ripping noises as he tears apart the roll]
Tommy: Uuuuuuh. I killed it. I killed my sale. And that's when I blow it. That's when people like us have gotta forge ahead, Helen. Am I right?
Helen: God, you're sick.
The Nats
Let me tell you why they suck: A cheap ownership group who put up a 'token' new stadium. I say token because it really is the bare minimum. Sure, they don't have the resources of the Yankees, but it really has no defining characteristics to it besides the Presidents Race (which we essentially stole from the Milwaukee Brewers). Attendance has dipped faster for any team with a new stadium in recent years, except for the Cincinnati Reds, and last year's all-star squad was on pace to break the Mets 1962 record for worst team of all time for a good stretch of the season.
Tommy just sold half a million break pads? (Signs of hope): Stephen Stasburg. Can one player save a franchise? No, no it can't. I'm just hoping the Nats throw him in the majors and play scenes from the Germans in Beer Fest after each strikeout (I have no idea if he is actually German…but it works too well).The Redskins
Let me tell you why they suck: I could write another 10,000 words on why Daniel Snyder sucks, but I'd likely be making his ego bigger than it already is (wow, another post on BingBongSports ripping me? I’m the center of attention!)
Tommy just sold half a million break pads? (Signs of hope): We literally haven't had a franchise plan in 15 years. A few nights back, I talked with my roommate, former backup high school linebacker Michael Solomon, about how the Redskins haven’t put together a sustained 2-3 year stretch where you felt good about the team’s direction. So many franchises consistently make the playoffs year after year, while the Skins can't even get lucky enough to scrap it together for two.
The hire of Mike Shanahan is actually the first REPUTABLE coaching hire we’ve ever made in the Dan Snyder era (although Marty Shottenheimer might be debatable). This are actually looking up?
The Wizards
Let me tell you why they suck: UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. This is like watching a 
train wreck in slow motion, except it has been crashing for 3+ years. I said it in 2008 that the injuries to the big-3 would actually kept this team together longer than it should, despite any rational person knowing then we were a terrible flawed defensive team. This has to be the biggest disappointment this year, and maybe of the last 5-10 in DC.
See, unlike my fellow Washingtonians who drink the Kool-Aid on the Redskins EVERY August, I don't think they've fielded anywhere close to a real contender in 8-9 seasons. Any playoff appearance they've made has been a momentary blip of success outside of their true identity as Daniel Snyder’s toy sports team.
However, the Wizards, after the disastrous MJ-Kwame Brown era, brought in a REAL-GM in Ernie Grunfeld with a pedigree for building playoff teams year after year (after Wes Unseld literally ate himself out of the GM job...I didn't know you could do that as a GM). We had a BIG 3 for the first time since the Webber era, and gulp, they stayed healthy for an entire season! We won a playoff series! We almost beat Lebron the year they went to finals! :SLDJWQO:PIFJHALSIJDOIWJ:KLSDF.
Tommy just sold half a million break pads? (Signs of hope):
Our only hope is that our star player (owed $80 million over 4 years) gets charged with a felony so we can void his contract. If that isn't rock bottom for a franchise and city, I don't know what is.
-Steve Lugerner
P.S. (On mentioning to Dave my idea for this post:
Steven: uh Washington sports article coming later about what team is more embarrassing...I love my home town!
David: why don't you write an article about whether you'd want to get punched in the face or kicked in the balls, while you're at it?)
