Lugie's List 1-25: I'm in Miami B!#%H

Late last night I convinced the BingBongSports editorial board to send me to the Super Bowl in Miami as part of BingBong’s around the clock coverage. My first question on media day to Jeremy Shockey - were you 'intimidated' by Visante Shaincoe’s locker room video as much as I was (and for the love of god, if you are going to Google the Shaincoe video, just know it isn’t suitable for work). I'll follow up with a few questions on his favorite color and how he would restructure the health care reform bill. I’ll fit right in with the other idiot reporters on media day.

Here is this weeks list:

1. AFC Championship: I really thought the Jets had it Sunday - so much so I was starting to fear a Jets win would cause Long Island to implode and sink into the Long Island Sound if they won. Really impressive numbers Peyton Manning put up against a ridiculously good Jets D (although at this point is anything Peyton Manning does that surprising?). Not much to say here other than the number of Peyton Super Bowl ads is currently set at 2.5.

2. NFC Championship: Likely will go down as one of the best NFC title games of all time. Nerves on both sides led to way too many fumbles literally giving fans a heart attack. My friend and BBS loyalist Jeff Alexander had to change his boxers three times during the game to put it in perspective. Everyone is going to say the Vikings gave away this game, and that is partially true. However, I really thought the Saints play calling was atrocious Sunday. The Colts and Vikings didn’t have any delusions – their run games had been really ineffective in recent weeks and ended up passing on most downs. The Saints, despite having an absurdly good passing attack, completely ditched trying to get the ball down field and kept taking the ball out of Drew Brees’ hands. This was not Sean Payton’s best game coaching - that’s for sure.

3. And then there is the vintage ‘Brett Favre-throw-across-his-body-into-coverage-late-game-INT-that-cost-his-team-the-game’ pass that the 6pm SportCenter will have a field day with today. If anything, it shows why Favre shouldn’t be considered the top QB of all-time and maybe not even top 3 at this point (yes I know how old he is but he’s lost way too many big games in this fashion). THE BEST QBs don’t make that pass - they tuck the ball down and get to the 30 to give his their stud FG kicker a shot (Favre easily would have made it into Longwell’s range had he pulled it down and run). Additionally, Favre not granting an interview after the game, taking a play from Cry Baby Lebron James’ playbook, is just classless. I hate to see myself sour on Favre like this, but enough is enough Brett. Behave like an adult or hang it up we are freakin’ sick of it.

4. If this were the NBA, the conspiracy theory yelling would be loud today from Vikings fans. Some of those calls down the stretch in the Vikings-Saints game were a little too close for comfort, and ALL went the Saints way (including a very bogus PI call). But once you realize everyone and their pet iguana watches the Super Bowl, Vikings-Colts or Saints-Colts was a win-win for the NFL. Only the NBA has to instruct their refs who they want in the finals, not the NFL.

5. I want to thank the Sports Karma Gods for not giving us Brett Favre hype or Rex Ryan talking for 2 weeks. I slept like a baby last night.

6. I went 0-2 Sunday on my NFL picks. The pathetic NFL gambler you all know and love is BACK! And as the most incredible day for gambling and food of the entire year approaches, here are my early picks:

• Colts -5 over Saints (don’t love this line right now though)
• Under 55.5 (I’m big on betting against the public, but this line will go higher to ~57 or 58 by game time, so would hold off betting unless you like the over)
• Heads defeating Tails in pregame coin toss – Tails was on a historic run up until the last two Super Bowls. It was Heads the last two years, thus almost insuring it will be Tails this year. However, after the National Championship debacle (where the coin was one side Longhorn and the other the Alabama A – completely screwing things for everyone), all bets are off on which way this coin is going. I know it’s generally been said, “Tails never fails” but I really like the way Heads has been being aggressive during these Super Bowl flips the last few years. I’m taking Heads in a squeaker.
• Color of liquid poured on winning Super Bowl coach: CLEAR – It won’t pay as well as Blue or even Lime green, but trust me on this one. Last year I went with yellow, and lost to clear H2O. I am in contact with both teams’ sideline refreshment directors, and will tweet right away if I hear anything different (shameless plug: check us out on Twitter @BINGBONGSPORTS).
• O/U 2 commercials featuring monkeys – Should be a down year for monkey commercials given the economy and companys not wanting to show monkeys with jobs while so many are unemployed (now that is higher level thinking people). I like the under.

7. When is Jon Gruden going to stop doing Taco Bell commercials? Honestly.

8. I’ve been criticizing Brendan Fraser’s acting ability the last few weeks ahead of the Extraordinary Measures premier. I ask the BingBong readers - who saw either of the Mummy movies, and how the hell did the first one get a sequel? In response to this argument, several people countered with Frasers' epic role in…wait for it…Encino Man. I mean, if ENCINO MAN is everyone's comeback for Fraser’s best role, well then I proved my point.

-Steve Lugerner

Crystal Ball

With my first post of 2010, (and I apologize for that), I've decided to let you all in on the inner workings of a mad man.  That's right, what you are about to read are the conspiracy theories, plausible predictions, and irrational thoughts that have been running through my mind since the NFL regular season has come to an end.

Belichick-in-Chief:  Let's first begin with my conspiracy theory.  You might think I'm crazy for even suggesting this, but hear me out:  Bill Belichick will be the head coach of the Kansas City Chiefs before the start of the 2011 season (if there is one).  I know a lot people may think I'm talking completely out of turn here, while others may think it's a blind leap based on minimal evidence, but let's take a closer look at this.  Starting with the obvious; who were the offensive and defensive coordinators of the New England Patriots for all three of their Super Bowl wins in 2001, 2003, and 2004?  It was Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel (respectively).  Within the last two weeks, who was just named offensive coordinator and defensive coordinator for the Kansas City Chiefs?  [Hint: the answer is listed above]  Indeed, it was Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel again.  They were hired by Chiefs general manager, Scott Pioli.  

Now why does that name sound familiar?  Well, Scott Pioli was the director of player personnel and later vice president of player personnel for the New England Patriots under Belichick.  Besides firing Herm Edwards and implementing a 3-4 defense (the same defensive scheme Belichick has had such great success with in New England), one of Pioli's very first moves as general manager was trading for quarterback Matt Cassel.  Cassel, as many of you know is the quarterback who took over as the starter in New England when Tom Brady suffered a season-ending knee injury in the first game of the 2008 season.  Cassel went on to lead the Patriots to a 10-5 record as a starter, just missed the playoffs, but posted an 89.4 quarterback rating.

I'm sure any good sports fan reading this already knows all of this.  I'm just stating the obvious.  Nothing I've said proves anything other than the fact that Scott Pioli is merely trying to replicate the model of success that thrived so well in New England.  Although here's where it gets tricky.  The official terms of the Cassel deal were that the Patriots traded Cassel and outside linebacker Mike Vrabel (the "heart and soul" of the Patriots defense, if you will) in exchange for the 34th overall pick, yet there were reports at the time that New England had a much better offer on the table for Cassel.  One deal in particular was a three-way trade that would have given the Patriots the 12th overall pick without having to part with Mike Vrabel.  As the above link suggests, there were a few explanations for why the Patriots may have turned down this offer, but to me it reeks of a shady under-the-table dealing between Belichick and Pioli.

Where's the motive for Belichick to leave though?  Sure, all the above information is interesting (at least to me), but why would Belichick leave New England for Kansas City?  Why would he go from the big city where he's heralded to go to a fledgling small market franchise?  Well, it's a lot like the advice Sonny gave to Calogero in A Bronx Tale when asked if he'd rather be loved or feared, to which Sonny replied, "I would rather be feared.  Fear lasts longer than love."  Sure, Belichick is loved in New England, but how many more harsh criticism of first-round home playoff losses or "4th and 2's" will the city of Boston and owner Bob Kraft endure before some of that love starts to fade?  I mean, it has been almost five whole years since he's won a Super Bowl for that city.  So once the love does fade, who's to say Belichick won't do some serious thinking?

On the one hand, Bill certainly doesn't take well to criticism.  He's in a division with an emerging potential powerhouse in the New York Jets.  His best receiver turns 33 in a few weeks and the two hit a bit of a rough patch during this past season.  His next best receiver is a speedster who may miss a substantial portion of next season after suffering significant ligament damage to his knee that will require surgery and plenty of rehabilitation with no guarantee of returning to form once he is ready to play again.  He has an underachieving defense with the wrong combination of veteran depth and young talent save for one or two budding stars.  Then there's his quarterback who will also be 33 by the start of next season and -- in my honest opinion -- seems to truly lack the passion he once had for the game.  I will admit, as many of my friends will tell you, I do not like Tom Brady.  I make no ways around it; I do not like him, BUT that's a conversation for another day (when I have 300 pages to burn).  

Whether I like him or not though, you can't honestly tell me when you look at him at a post-game press conference wearing a designer leather jacket and a hat with a custom-designed "TB" logo embroidered on it -- (no, he's not a spokesman for the National Tuberculosis Association) -- that you see the same kid who was shaking his head in disbelief after winning his first Super Bowl.  You just can't.  I'm a Packers fan and, while it kills me on a much deeper level, I can't help but smile when I see Brett Favre at 40 running down the field, hands raised in the air, celebrating a touchdown the same as he did when he was 25.  I just don't see that passion and enthusiasm out of Brady anymore.  Just go ahead and Google him.  He's the only Hall-of-Fame quarterback who has more GQ poses and "red carpet" pictures come up than actual pictures of him playing football.  But you want to know the worst part??  I don't blame him!  I actually get it.  Even when I watch him lose a big game or have a bad day, as much as I love to see it, at best the most hurtful thing I can scream at my TV is, "Awwwwww, poor baby!  Better go home and cry to your beautiful supermodel wife!"  Honestly, that's the best I've got.  He's 33.  He has his Super Bowl rings.  His plaque in Canton is assured (unfortunately).  He's already suffered one very serious injury and he just had a baby with his gorgeous wife.  I gotta say; if it was 20 degrees outside and there were 11 angry gentlemen waiting for a chance to rip my head off, with all the things I just mentioned, I'd probably pause in the middle of lacing up my cleats too and say, "Why am I doing this again?"


So now take all those reasons and add this into consideration.  In Kansas City, Belichick would also have free reign to do whatever he wants and the fans would worship the ground he walked on just for coming to their team, forget about actually winning.  He'd be reunited with his two most successful coordinators.  He'd have a quarterback who has proven capable of running his offense successfully and is five years younger than his current quarterback.  He'd absolutely terrorize the AFC West.  He'd used the Raiders for scrimmages twice a year.  The Chargers have a coach who might as well stay home for a big game, [keep running LT up the middle against the Jets, Norv; I'm sure the 12th time's the charm].  Obviously, he'd relish the opportunity to play the Broncos and Josh McDaniels twice a year, as Bill has shown a penchant for beating up on his former assistants.  So if and when the Beantown love fades, is Belichick really the kind of guy who will stick around in a place that criticizes him or will he want to go to a division where he's feared and build a second dynasty?   

It's tough to say really.  Although there is one major flaw in all my thinking, as a Patriots fan friend of mine so eloquently put it, "Why the hell would Belichick trade to get three 2nd round picks this year if he's gonna leave the team?"  It's a solid argument, to which I would have to say, a) I never said he'd leave right now, but rather by the start of the '11 season and b) that while Belichick made trades to ensure the Patriots had four draft picks in the first 53 selections of this year's upcoming draft, if he chose to leave for Kansas City this off-season, know that the Chiefs also have four picks in the first 68 selections -- keeping in mind that two of those picks are the 5th and 36th overall selections, while the Patriots' earliest pick is 42nd overall.  Also, who's to say more shady dealings with the Chiefs aren't on their way?  I don't know.  I'll admit it's all pretty far-fetched, but tie all those reasons together and add the fact that he'd be reunited with Scott Pioli and I think this whole thing is worth at least one curiously raised eyebrow and a hearty, "Hmmmmm..."

Am I making much ado about nothing?  Perhaps.  Could I be absolutely dead wrong?  Probably.  Will they ever make another live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie?  Actually, yes.  [It's slated for 2012, so sit tight.]  However, whether you actually think I'm on to something with this or you think I need to lay off the Red Bull for a while, I leave you with a few words Bill Belichick released in a statement to the press the day Scott Pioli was hired by the Chiefs:

"...Now with the opportunity to steer his own ship and a vision of building a winner, there is no more capable, hardworking, loyal, team-oriented person than Scott Pioli. On a personal level, the Belichick-Pioli bond runs far deeper than our workplace, as we and our families have shared countless memories away from football. Working side by side with one of my best friends for almost two decades is special enough in itself. But to help each other achieve success beyond our dreams is a blessing and something I will always remember and appreciate."

USC-attle:  This one isn't even a mystery to me, it's practically a guarantee.  Frankly, I'm exhausted from all my Belichick-theorizing so I'll keep this one simple.

• What NFL team has three players on its current roster who were also part of Pete Carroll's back-to-back National Championship teams at USC?  The Seattle Seahawks.  
  

• What NFL team did Pete Carroll just become the head coach of?  The Seattle Seahawks. 
  

• From 2003 through 2005, which three players combined for 185 rushing and passing touchdowns for USC?  Matt Leinart, Reggie Bush, and LenDale White.  
  

• Which three current NFL players either have diminished roles and/or are unhappy with their current role on their team?  Matt Leinart, Reggie Bush, and LenDale White.  

Now wasn't that easy?

-Dave

(I can't believe I almost forgot about this magazine cover, thank God for the internet)

BINGBONG's FIRST PODCAST: Jersey Shore Finale and the NFL Championship Games

(CLICK ON THE TITLE ABOVE TO LISTEN)

It might not have the production value of other blog's, but its got the heart. Our first guest is Jersey Shore expert and wannabe juice head, Michael Solomon.

I have no idea if this even works...seeing as the file is 17MBs (and 25 minutes long), but if you can stand the download time and listening to two whiney dudes, it is worth the wait. ENJOY!

Just received this link after we recored which answers one of our questions about the shows future: http://satellitetvguru.net/jersey-shore-cast-to-return-for-season-2/

-Steve Lugerner

P.S. That squeaking noise at the 9 minute mark is me moving the laptop and not one of us farting. COME AT ME BRO!

Lugie's List 1/20 - I ALREADY WORK AROUND THE CLOCK!

Yes, I know it's Wednesday already. Yes, I know by now you've stopped reading about last week’s NFL games and have turned to the conference championships. Listen, I ALREADY WORK AROUND THE CLOCK! I can't squeeze any more out of my day between a day job, girlfriend, BingBong articles, NHL Hockey '10, creating gimp necklaces that I sell on 50th and 5th or my new love for Twittering (or is it twettering...).

Let’s get to the list:

1. Who knew Jets-Chargers would be the only decent game from the weekend. The Saints, Colts and Vikings didn’t waste any time after the bye week. Each busted the game open quickly, something the Chargers had a chance to do, but failed. Which brings me to…

2. Norv Turner ladies and gentleman! One of those guys who is an ‘offensive genius,’ but has never amounted to anything as a head coach. With a chance to slam the door on the Jets and go up two scores in the first half, the Chargers had one awful penalty after another killing drive after drive (which continued throughout the game). A Norv Turner team lacking discipline? NO WAY! Leading us to...

3. A Wade Phillips team choking in the playoffs? NO WAY! After the Cowboys finally secured their first playoff victory in a whooping 13 years, the BOYS were blown out in embarrassing fashion. Reports out of Big D say Wade is back for 2010 and the Chargers are giving Norv a contract extension! I’d honestly bet my life savings Norv Turner does not finish the length of that contract extension.

4. On the topic of the choke jobs, I’m convinced the life of a kicker is the worst in all of sports. First, you can be one of the best in the NFL (Nate Kaeding first team All-Pro) and one atrocious day will be the one people remember forever. Second, what the hell does a kicker do at practice from August-January? I get sick of my desk job some days, imagine kicking field goals day-after-day on the practice field. At a certain point isn’t it like riding a bike for these guys? I’d rather watch paint dry. Third, you have to room with the punter during training camp, and its well-documented 80% of punters in the NFL wet the bed. Don’t ask me how I know this - I work in market research.

Check out some solid Nate Kaeding suicide jokes at http://deadspin.com/5451228/nate-kaeding-suicide-joke-watch I just pass on the links, don’t judge me!

5. (re-reading Friday’s column…I went 3 for 1 in picks? I alluded to the Jets winning? And now I’m tooting my own horn in my own column? Dam right! I’ll be ice skating in hell if you need me.)

6. My early picks (more to come Friday): Jets +8 over Colts, Saints -4 over Vikings

7. Since Favre has gone from being my favorite NFL player, to one of my most hated purely due to the media’s obsession with the smell of his jock strap, I will be actively rooting for the Saints Sunday. Two weeks of Super Bowl hype with Brett Favre would be worse than a House of Pain marathon followed by the George Lopez Show (Take it easy people…I’m just kidding… I DVR the TBS Tuesday night lineup religiously).

8. BingBongSports has a new Twitter account. Get new article alerts, off the cuff sports commentary and maybe an accidental sext or two (wait, what's the sexual equivalent to tweeting? Sweexting? Tweexting?) Username: BingBongSports.

9. Top three best/worst movie trailer quotes of all time (in some order):

• I ALREADY WORK AROUND THE CLOCK! - Harrison Ford in Extraordinary Measures
• YOU'RE LOSING ME MY JURY! - Gene Hackman in Runaway Jury
• I DON'T PLAY THESE GAMES - Vin Diesel in xXx

That's the list...feel free to comment and add some gems. And if you are feeling suicidal or just downright nutty, watch this entire thing http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYBx7yxEME4 (courtesy of reader Sam Abramson).

10. TV News: Michael C. Hall and John Lithgow both won well-deserved Golden Globes over the weekend for their work in Dexter Season 4. If you don’t watch the show, I'll say it again, Dexter is my top recommendation to anyone looking for a new series after The Wire.

24 Season premiere – I’m a little luke warm on the start to this season. I know people were down on last season generally, but I feel this season got off to a slow start. Nukes as a plot line have always served 24 well, so I expect things to pick up. On a side note, after learning the season was actually filmed in Canada and NOT New York City (despite the aerial and building shots of NYC), I find myself noticing that every non-descript alley scene is so obviously not New York. I know a New York alley when I see one people. 24 4pm-8pm: B+.

-Steven Lugerner

I Heart the Washington Wizards!

I made the argument a week or so ago that the Wizards were in by far the worst shape of any DC team...and historically there is no question they are the most pathetic team in DC (Nats need another 25 years of crapiness to even match them).

A must read for DC Sports fans (or curious NBA fans) this morning from Tom Boswell of the Washington Post:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/01/18/AR2010011803530_2.html

The highlight to me:
These days, everybody uses the Nationals as the standard of "bad" in Washington. And they are really bad. Their won-lost percentage in the five years since they moved to the District is .424.
So, what do you think the Wizards' win percentage is since '79? That's 31 seasons. It's .423!

A few BingBong programming notes:

• Expect a late edition of Lugie's List for tomorrow morning
• Wed/Thursday - the people you never want to sit at a blackjack table with
• Friday - NFL Picks for conference championships.

Also, looking into getting some podcasts with the BingBong team ASAP. Stay tuned.

-Steve Lugerner

Gamblers Anonymous: YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME...unless you're betting!

It’s playoff time in the NFL and from a gambler’s perspective it’s time to dig deep. The lines are too good – too right on to make any bet with the same certainty you would have had betting say the Colts to cover against the Rams early season. A few things to think about:

• Go with your gut off the bat and never look back. If you try to analyze a three point spread in an obvious tight playoff game, you’ll likely go on tilt and lose your mind way before kick-off.


• The masses are asses. Bet the opposite of where the action is going. Last week when the Packers-Cardinals line moved from the Pack being a 3 point underdog to a 3 point favorite…that should send off a red flag. Arizona at home getting 3 is a solid bet to begin with, but throw-in the public heavily betting the Packers? It was a lock.


• Opposite theory. Everyone has a tendency to bet the favorite because hey, they are favored to win who says they can’t cover 3 points? Just go the opposite of your gut and don’t look back.

So basically my advice is bet your gut, bet against the public and bet the opposite of your gut. Maybe #1 and #3 cancel out, thus giving you #2 (bet against the public). If everyone could now please print the first part of this post and light it on fire…I think we can move forward.

Now that you thoroughly have no idea which way to pick this week, here are my picks:

Cardinals +7 over Saints – Anyone who thinks the Saints defense is going to slow down Arizona is dreaming. The Saints D declined significantly toward the end of the year and the Packers last week were one of the best defenses in football and got dismantled by Kurt Warner and company. Throw in the fact the Saints stopped covering their big spreads late in the season, and this one to me is a no brainer. The Cardinals are not 7 points worse than the Saints.

Jets +8 over San Diego – Are the Jets due for a classic “stink up the joint performance?” Absolutely. But this is the playoffs and any team with a defense as good as theirs, it’s hard not taking the points. Does this team remind me a little of the 2000 Ravens with Trent Dilfer at QB? (Sadly, I think Dilfer might be better than Sanchez right now) A little - that’s the scary part. Jets money-line anyone? (And yes, you can blame me for ‘smushing’ the Jets chances in this paragraph – Ronnie from Jersey Shore style.)

Colts -7 over Ravens – I think the Colts are going to come out on a mission. The Spurs of the NFL cruised into the playoffs and will now turn up the intensity. Considering the Ravens haven’t beaten the Colts since 2002, I think there is a solid chance this game gets blown open early. As well as the Ravens are playing, Manning is on a mission. This is probably the game I would stay away from, but if you ‘have a problem’ – when in doubt take the Colts.

Vikings -3 over Cowboys – I think the Cowboys, after beating up on an uninspired Eagles defense the last two weeks, will run into a buzz saw Sunday. The ‘Boys are not this good people…the Eagles were just that mediocre. Everyone likes the Cowboys in this game…so I’m going the other way.

YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME.....HELLLO? YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!

-Steve Lugerner

Big Mac, Lane Kiffin, and Vacationing on Revis Island

Few thoughts on the big stories in sports this week:

• I missed the Mark McGwire interview with Bob Costas, but caught the interview with Bob Ley yesterday on Outside the Lines. I found myself getting angrier and angrier as I watched McGwire's responses. When I first heard the story hit, it was a breath of fresh air. Years of obvious suspicions confirmed from the source, without some investigative reporting banging down the door. But here was McGwire, apologizing over and over again for his actions, but yet kept saying it was his "God given talent" that hit all those home runs. So what are you apologizing for Mark? Bob Ley asked this exact question, and McGwire gave some gibberish answer of "I just wanted to apologize Bob...blah blah blah." The more I actually think about it, I'm not sure steroids alone would make you hit 9 additional home runs in a season. We honestly have no clue if McGwire could have hit 62 in 1998 without the help of steroids. However, it is an absolute joke that he can't admit it helped increase his strength and performance in some unknown measurement. His Xs and Os to very obvious questions just didn’t add up in a very awkward and insincere interview. Why would you call and apologize to Roger Maris' widow if you didn't deep down know you disgraced baseball by ruining the most precious record in American sports? It makes no sense. I for one completely reject all this garbage about McGwire being "sincere in his apology." What this really was? A former steroid created superstar trying to get back into baseball as a coach and needing to get rid of the monkey on his back before doing so. Completely selfish - if he cared about the game and the damage he did, he would be more open about invalidating his 1998 season as far as public perception, rather than credit his "God given talent." EDITED: 1/13 - 10AM Check out this SI article from David Epstein about what steroid experts think of McGwire's logic: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2010/writers/david_epstein/01/12/yesalis.mcgwire/index.html
• Just when Nick Saban was solidifying his spot as the biggest schmuck in college football, Lane Kiffin stole the title right back. I can’t for the life of me figure out how Kiffin has gotten this far in life looking and acting like an asshole. Does he look like the guy who ‘nails’ a job interview? I guess leaving Tennessee for USC is no brainer – but I can’t respect a coach who bails on an unfinished job. Even in the worst of times (JIM ZORN!), I respect a coach that goes down with the ship rather than quitting on a team or organization. Kiffin now lands back at the place that gave him his big name status, with the best job currently in college football. By the way, I've got the 3rd quarter of Week 5 of the 2010 NFL season in the Pete Carroll Regretting his Return to the NFL Office Pool, right after Seneca Wallace throws his third INT with Matt Hasselbeck on crutches throwing his clipboard in disgust.
• SPRING BREAK '10 ON REVIS ISLAND EVERYONE!!!!! Playoff picks coming Friday…

-Steve Lugerner

Dexter Season 4 Review

(MAYBE I’m 2 months late on this article…but with On Demand ruling the world these days, wanted to let a few more people finish the season. DISCLAIMER: If you watch Dexter and don’t want to know about Season 4 just yet, do not read this. And if you don’t watch Dexter, you are an idiot – read this to punish yourself.)

First off, what a season. I’ll openly defend/argue with anyone that Season 4 was the best season of Dexter. The ‘middle seasons’ for a drama series of this nature usually end up being the best looking back. It is the right combination of established characters, running plot lines/twists, and no end to the series in sight, which can cause a series to compromise itself in an effort to wrapping things up in a nice and neat manner (and screw you David Chase I’m still NOT OK with that ending). Think about it – how many shows that you were truly invested in did the last season blow away the pervious?

That brings us to Season 4 of Dexter. I’ve never seen so many people legitimately disturbed by a TV show. My initial thoughts:

• Holy CRAP! I knew after a relatively week ending to Season 3 (all loose ends tied off for the most part – no real cliff hanger) that Season 4 was going to end with something crazy. What I love about Dexter is they do a good job of disguising twists and turns in the plot. I’m one of those annoying people who predict what is going to happen, often ruining the surprise for myself. My first instincts when Dexter found Rita’s phone in the house was that Rita had witnessed something that was going to blow Dexter’s secret life wide open. Couldn’t have been more wrong.
• I’ve raved about Lithgow’s performance as the Trinity killer in this blog, but I’ll do it again. Unbelievable performance that honestly sent chills down my spine. I’ve re-watched that last scene with Dexter, and as Lithgow and Michael C. Hall mention right after the end of the season in their interview, the scene is really wild to watch the second time around.
• Rita was on a long list of people who died in Season 4 because Dexter got sloppy and left Trinity alive. I’m curious, after Dexter’s newfound love for his family and a desire to ditch his dark passenger, how can he rationalize all these deaths? He glossed over it in his pursuit of Trinity, but it certainly sets an interesting plot line for Season 5. He has no one to avenge for Rita’s death. The startling revelation that Dexter wants to get rid of his dark passenger (spurred on by his new emotional feelings for his family and others) will also be a key start to Season 5. Never before has Dexter approached this type of radical change, and it remains to be seen whether it can be done.

With the recent events of Rita, Trinity, Deb, and the disintegration of his family, where does Dexter go from here? I’ve had people argue that this will likely not be the end of this plot line, essentially making Season 5 more like a Season 4B. 1) Dexter left too many loose ends and evidence all over the place that can be traced back to him (Trinity’s family, fingerprints in their house) and 2) Rita’s death creates a whole new very personal investigation for the Miami Homicide Department that will have them ratchet up their investigation on Trinity.

I’ve had a very different thought about Season 5 and everyone knows I’m willing to make bold predictions for the sake of blog traffic! The show has a very solid reoccurring premise/theme (although shakable to create tension at times): Dexter is smarter than everyone and can get out of anything allowing him to kill time after time without getting caught. Kind of the same thought in 24 where we know Jack Bauer can’t possible die (although he was dead for a little in one season…don’t know how to rationalize that). I really don’t think this is the time to shatter this premise – not yet. I actually see season 5 taking place 4-5 years down the road. I think the ending with Dexter’s son in the blood is key. The show is really focused on the relationship between Dexter and his dad, and what better way to bring it full circle than accelerate the age of his son to the point where he becomes a focal point of the show. Maybe he shows early Dexter-like tendencies that lead Dexter struggling with how to advise his son in the same way his father struggled.

The only flaw with this is taking an infant child to say age 6 and then down the road age 15 or 16 might be tough to ‘age’ the other characters, but certainly could be done.
The other plot lines I see jumping back into the fray are A) the evolution of Dexter’s dark passenger we’ve touched on earlier B) any fallout with Deb discovering Dexter’s mother and brother and C) one thing glossed over was Cody getting into a fight with a kid who saw Dexter leave the campsite inexplicably in the middle of the night. My final prediction: Someone else will learn Dexter’s secret life next season and unlike Miguel Prado in Season 3, I think it will be of an accidental nature. My guess would be Deb considering how excellent a detective she is and with her approaching deeper aspects of Dexter’s past.

-Steve Lugerner

Toss Up: Who is most screwed? Wizards, Nationals or Redskins?

Given the Redskins 4-12 season, the Wizards literally shooting themselves in the face at 11-21 (pun very intended) and the Nationals consistently the laughing stock of MLB since their move from Montreal...what franchise is in worse shape?

DC hasn’t seen a professional title from its 4 major teams since 1991 (Redskins Super Bowl win...I'm sorry DC United doesn't count...I don't remember that parade down Constitution Avenue). Other than the Caps, who have thrived in a city absent of other competitive teams to the point they are selling out HOCKEY games in Washington DC (that is not a bash on hockey...anyone who has spent time in DC knows how weird this phenomenon is), the Nationals, Wizards and Redskins are embarrassments to their respective leagues. The list of players/coaches who have had success elsewhere, but tanked in DC, is nauseatingly long to the point I am considering a re-write to Billy Joel’s We Didn’t Start the Fire

(one of these days I’ll be bored enough to do it…here is verse:

Gilbert's Guns, the Nats in Last, C-Webb smoking grass
Muresan can’t run, Spurrier’s Fun N’ Gun
Heath Shuler…Kwame Brown….Michael Jordan leaving town…
DANIEL SNYDER WANTS TO PAY! WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO SAY!?
We didn’t start the fire…)

So what DC team is in worse shape? Let's break this one down...Nats vs. Skins vs. Wiz.

To set the mood:
Tommy: Hey, what's your name?
Helen: Helen.
Tommy: That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into a guy's office, let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. Now the pet is my possible sale. Hello there pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stoke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet, you're naughty. And then I take my naughty pet and I go [makes ripping noises as he tears apart the roll]
Tommy: Uuuuuuh. I killed it. I killed my sale. And that's when I blow it. That's when people like us have gotta forge ahead, Helen. Am I right?
Helen: God, you're sick.

The Nats
Let me tell you why they suck: A cheap ownership group who put up a 'token' new stadium. I say token because it really is the bare minimum. Sure, they don't have the resources of the Yankees, but it really has no defining characteristics to it besides the Presidents Race (which we essentially stole from the Milwaukee Brewers). Attendance has dipped faster for any team with a new stadium in recent years, except for the Cincinnati Reds, and last year's all-star squad was on pace to break the Mets 1962 record for worst team of all time for a good stretch of the season.
Tommy just sold half a million break pads? (Signs of hope): Stephen Stasburg. Can one player save a franchise? No, no it can't. I'm just hoping the Nats throw him in the majors and play scenes from the Germans in Beer Fest after each strikeout (I have no idea if he is actually German…but it works too well).

The Redskins
Let me tell you why they suck: I could write another 10,000 words on why Daniel Snyder sucks, but I'd likely be making his ego bigger than it already is (wow, another post on BingBongSports ripping me? I’m the center of attention!)

Tommy just sold half a million break pads? (Signs of hope): We literally haven't had a franchise plan in 15 years. A few nights back, I talked with my roommate, former backup high school linebacker Michael Solomon, about how the Redskins haven’t put together a sustained 2-3 year stretch where you felt good about the team’s direction. So many franchises consistently make the playoffs year after year, while the Skins can't even get lucky enough to scrap it together for two.

The hire of Mike Shanahan is actually the first REPUTABLE coaching hire we’ve ever made in the Dan Snyder era (although Marty Shottenheimer might be debatable). This are actually looking up?

The Wizards
Let me tell you why they suck: UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. This is like watching a train wreck in slow motion, except it has been crashing for 3+ years. I said it in 2008 that the injuries to the big-3 would actually kept this team together longer than it should, despite any rational person knowing then we were a terrible flawed defensive team. This has to be the biggest disappointment this year, and maybe of the last 5-10 in DC.

See, unlike my fellow Washingtonians who drink the Kool-Aid on the Redskins EVERY August, I don't think they've fielded anywhere close to a real contender in 8-9 seasons. Any playoff appearance they've made has been a momentary blip of success outside of their true identity as Daniel Snyder’s toy sports team.

However, the Wizards, after the disastrous MJ-Kwame Brown era, brought in a REAL-GM in Ernie Grunfeld with a pedigree for building playoff teams year after year (after Wes Unseld literally ate himself out of the GM job...I didn't know you could do that as a GM). We had a BIG 3 for the first time since the Webber era, and gulp, they stayed healthy for an entire season! We won a playoff series! We almost beat Lebron the year they went to finals! :SLDJWQO:PIFJHALSIJDOIWJ:KLSDF.

Tommy just sold half a million break pads? (Signs of hope):
Our only hope is that our star player (owed $80 million over 4 years) gets charged with a felony so we can void his contract. If that isn't rock bottom for a franchise and city, I don't know what is.

-Steve Lugerner

P.S. (On mentioning to Dave my idea for this post:
Steven: uh Washington sports article coming later about what team is more embarrassing...I love my home town!

David: why don't you write an article about whether you'd want to get punched in the face or kicked in the balls, while you're at it?)

Steve and Dave BS about the BCS

(Editor’s Note: The following was written in real-time during an online conversation between Dave Silverstein and Steve Lugerner and edited for readability. The following conversation is rated PG-13 - all portions of the conversation related to cybersex have been removed. Please email for the unrated version.)

David: Alright, let's do it to it Lars!

Steve: I'm feeling skinny Tony! I was thinking we should have some type of theme song for our intro...you know, in written words with no actual sound for our reader to set the mood....any thoughts? I was thinking the theme song to NBC's Saturday morning classic Hang Time if you are familiar.

David: Sometimes you simply amaze me. I'm not quite up to snuff on my Hang Time though.

Steve: Reggie Theus as a high school basketball coach, a female all-star point guard on the guy’s team, and a court the size of a New York studio apartment. Even you could dunk on that court Dave. Well what other theme song properly represents what is about to go down?

David: Not ringing a bell. I remember Hanging with Mr. Cooper though. CoooooOOOOOooooooooPER!

Steve: OK I could rock out to that

David: It was a great song, let me find it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpUpiZG8Qyg&feature=related

Steve: YouTube is a wonderful thing.

David: Amen to that.

Steve: I think this fits perfectly for a college football discussion...should we start it off with BCS Game 1?

David: Let's do it

(Mr. Cooper Season 1 Theme song playing)
Rose Bowl: Oregon vs. Ohio State
Steve: Rose Bowl Jan 1. Oregon-Ohio State.....difference in styles here...how do you see this playing out?

David: I gotta give the edge to Oregon. I just think they're a stronger team. I usually have very little confidence in the Big Ten in bowl games vs. stronger conferences. Although I'm not too sure about the different styles, Pryor is obviously the definition of a mobile quarterback, but Masoli is such a dangerous playmaker with his arm and his legs. He just makes it look so smooth and effortless. It's a real shame NFL teams will overlook him because of his size, but I hope some team takes a gamble on him when he comes out.

Steve: I really disliked watching the Big 10 all year...every game is on at noon and it’s never fun starting off a hung-over Saturday with sub-par football. I don't think Terrelle Pryor has been asked to throw a single pass inside the hash marks - Coach Tressel realized early season he isn't capable of tough decisions over the middle. That's when the Buckeyes got hot and saved their season. That being said, I'm going with Oregon after that awesome win vs. rival Oregon St. to earn the Rose Bowl trip...but how big is this game for Tressel? They've pretty much lost every big bowl game in recent years and honestly they seem due....no tough matchup against USC this year...

David: It's obviously a big game for Tressel, but I think Oregon is just stronger than people think… I know it's tough to say a team playing in a BCS Bowl is underrated, but that loss in the first game of the season was made out to be some huge upset and look who it was against? An undefeated team currently ranked ahead of them named Boise State.

Steve: Yea great point - their only other loss was to a very good Stanford team. I'll agree USC usually trumps every team in that conference most years. Ok so both of us going with Oregon in this one…

David: Yup. One other quick note, the player to watch for: LaMichael James for the Ducks -- this kid is a freshman RB who came into the season as the 2nd string back behind LeGarrette Blount before his circus act at Boise led to almost a year-long suspension and now James has the 7th most rushing yards in the country and is averaging 6.9 yards a carry – impressive.

Sugar Bowl: Florida vs. Cincinnati
David: Alright then, moving on... Steve, what are you thinking about the Sugar Bowl? Obviously a lot of people didn't think we'd be seeing Florida playing this early into bowl season, but what's done is done. How do you think this one turns out?

Steve: First, I hope someone at the CDC was able to bottle Tim Tebow's tears after the SEC Championship loss to Alabama - pretty sure if we study it enough his tears could cure cancer.

David: Hahahah

Steve: Second, this should be a really fun game and A LOT closer than odds makers are painting it. Florida is favored by 13 points. I see this being a one TD game or Florida getting a FG late to ice it by 10. Cincinnati has shown it can play against quality opponents...and I think Alabama showed Florida is a little overrated. I just see Cincy being able to run with them in a shootout type game.
Thoughts? Feelings? Should we start with your man crush on Tebow?

David: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh…I'll start off by saying I also see Florida winning it, but I don't think it'll be as close as you are making it out to be. There's a lot more to this game than what's going on on the field.

Steve: Very true. Two coaches with all kinds of issues in this one.

David: Urban Meyer coaching his last game in what could be a long time (sure he says he'll coach next year, but who knows?) It's gonna be Tim Tebow's last game ever in college. It's become clear he has a flare for the dramatic and I just can't see him letting his crying on the sidelines against Bama matched with a potential loss in the Sugar Bowl being the way he wants his story to end. And then yeah, the whole Brian Kelly thing -- while I'll save my opinions on him and Notre Dame in general for another conversation -- Cincy is heading into this game essentially as an uncoached team. College football fans were just beginning to learn who Brian Kelly was and then, before you know it, he walks out on his undefeated team the night of their celebration banquet to go coach Notre Dame.

Steve: I've already bought http://www.firebriankelly.com/. Some Notre Dame Booster will be paying me for that midway through the 2010 season.

David: Hahahahah - I just think the Cincy players are very emotional and want to show they don't need Kelly, but I'm not sure if they’ll be able to. Outside all those storylines though, from a football aspect, I don’t think Cincy’s faced a defense of this caliber all year. The Gators are SEC football and Cincy needs to get ready for the size, speed, and agility of that defense. Really looking forward to watching the Bearcats WR Mardy Gilyard battle it out with Florida’s CB Joe Hayden all night too.

Steve: You are selling me on the blow out angle somewhat, with Kelly already in South Bend for next year and Jesus owing Tebow a send off win. I just like Cincy QB Tony Pike to make a game out of this. He had a great senior season and can launch the ball to keep up with Tebow and the Gators offense.

David: Yeah, I definitely see where you're coming from. Cincy will put up some points, but the Gators might be too much for them. For college football fans everywhere, I hope it is close, but I don't see it. Although that's not to say I see it as a 2-touchdown blowout either. Should be a good game, but I'm sticking with the Gators.

Steve: Wow we haven't been this cordial to each other since we placed our drunk roomate on a hook by his boxers at 2 am.

David: Hahahahaha - By the way, Meyer dropping dead in the middle of triple-overtime is going off at 16:1.

Steve: haha - For the sake of all involved Tebow will fumble in the 2nd OT to save his life.

David: I also spoke to Urban's doctor yesterday, turns out the "medical condition" Urban’s been diagnosed with is commonly referred to as a broken heart -- the loss of Tebow is just too much for him.

Steve: hahahaha - I was speculating he was 'pulling a Tiger' on his wife, but I have nothing to back that up beside my new pessimistic view of any athlete/coach with the appearance of being a good guy.

David: Well that's the beauty of America.

Fiesta Bowl: TCU vs. Boise State
Steve: Alright next up on the BCS calendar - the two non-BCS conference teams TCU vs. Boise State - I don't think Vegas can set the over/under high enough in this game, final score 72-71? Who do you see having the edge here?

David: Well this one is tough to predict. I mean, who knows if Jesus is going to be fully rested and recovered from helping Tebow win on New Year's Day to help lend a hand to Texas-Christian?

Steve: Best point made by either of us today....I like TCU. I've watched both these teams a great deal this year because betting on the over is fun. POINTTTTTS!!!!! TCU just seems way more dominant.
I'm actually pissed off - the game should have been TCU vs. Florida. But rather than make the non-BCS conference play a powerhouse, we get stuck with essentially two teams that never get enough credit playing each other.

David: Exactly, it was perfectly set up by the BCS. If one beats the other, it won’t have any effect on the overall structure. Although, I'm gonna have to disagree with you on this one. I like the Broncos here.

Steve: Conflict! Do tell. I will be perfectly honest - I know these teams score as quickly as humanly possible, but don't have the slightest clue on anything beyond that. I will be taking the over even if it is 80...there is no way this ends below 45-45.

David: I like the Broncos for two reasons:
1) I think Chris Petersen is such an underrated coach, gets no respect because of the myth of the BCS, but we saw his game plan and his play-calling in the Fiesta Bowl against Oklahoma a few years ago -- it was smart, it was inventive, it was masterful.
2) I agree it'll be a high-scoring game, but the one game I'm looking at to declare Boise State the winner was their match-up against Nevada the night after Thanksgiving. Nevada and TCU run similar offenses in that they're both run-first teams. TCU averages over 250 rushing yards a game, while Nevada averaged an astounding 344 yards on the ground every game this year. Boise State was able to score fast enough against them and stifle the run long enough that once Nevada started going it was too late to catch up and I can see the same thing happening with TCU.

Steve: And my rebuttal to all of this very well thought out factual argument is....how cool-looking are the uniforms on both sides!? I just like TCU. I think their run game imposes its will on teams, and the Boise St. defense (not that either team plays defense) is awful.

David: Hahahah - Well let me also throw out some numbers for you that have me leaning towards Boise State. A 13:1 TD:INT ratio…that's what Kellen Moore is bringing to the Fiesta Bowl with him. The kid is a true sophomore QB who led the nation in QB rating. That’s right. Not Tebow, not Pike, not Clausen, not McCoy; Kellen Moore. He's thrown 39 TDs against 3 INTs all season, a 13:1 ratio as I said, (no fumbles either). To put his efficiency into perspective: Jimmy Clausen’s ratio was 7:1, Tebow’s was about 3:1, and McCoy’s was 9:4. When you're able to avoid turning the ball over like that, it's tough for defenses to put a dent in your game.

Steve: I'm dizzy....I feel like a girl doing a March Madness pool.

David: hahahah - I just thought those were impressive numbers. Although, keep in mind that Moore tossed nearly 40 TDs and Boise still had almost 30 rushing TDs this year...just a dominant well-rounded offense, should be a good game.

Orange Bowl: Iowa vs. Georgia Tech
David: Okay, let's take it to the Orange Bowl, which pins a Big Ten team not named Michigan, Ohio State, or Penn State against a team from Georgia that isn't the Bulldogs. It's a matchup I can't imagine too many people had in their books before the season began -- Iowa vs. Georgia Tech. Who you kicking out of the hot tub?

Steve: I’m kicking Iowa out. During my Big 10 Saturday morning hang-over stretch, I was subjected to several Iowa games. I wish I could take some of their players to Vegas - this is the luckiest team I've ever seen. They won games on deflected passes that hit like 4 players before landing in an Iowa player’s hands for a defensive TD. I haven't seen a ton of Tech, but Iowa just isn't that good. They could easily have been 8-4 and it really was a fluke they are even here.
Thoughts? Feelings? Still thinking about Tebow in a hot tub?

David: hahahah, noooooooooooo…YESSSSSSS!
I'm with you on G-Tech, just not for the same reasons. Iowa got lucky sure, but any team who's won any type of championship would be lying if they said luck had nothing to do with it.

Steve: I took them by default because Iowa robbed me of several Saturday mornings so I'd love to hear a better argument that I can steal for my bizzaro sports blog bongbingsports.com.

David: I think the Iowa quarterback, Stanzi, is a solid player, but I'm still not sure about his ankle. He says it's fine, but it's gonna be tested. DE Derrick Morgan is a force of a pass-rusher who doesn't let up for a single play. I also think Tech’s RB Jonathan Dwyer will run all over Iowa. The kid is a bruiser, built in a similar mold of Beanie Wells at 6'1" 235 lbs. and we saw how Beanie had his way with the Big Ten. Dwyer’s racked up nearly 1400 yards on the ground this season and never got more than 25 touches in a single game and that's in a run-first spread option offense.

Steve: I feel like you are channeling your inner-Kiper today...

David: haha…I'm on the ball today baby.
I also really like the G-Tech coach Paul Johnson. Not to take anything away from Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz, but – I’ll admit I'm taking this from Mark May (I think) who said it first – Paul Johnson is one of the best mid-game coaches in the FBS and it shows. If you look at most of Tech’s big wins this season, they outscored their opponents in the second half almost every time.

Steve: This preview is starting to sound like I'm the Lou Holtz to your Mark May - all we need is me predicting Notre Dame to win the 2011 National Title and we'd be there.

David: Well, that and a lisp.

BCS Championship: Texas vs. Alabama
Steve: Alright Dave. One last one - the one that really matters - National Title game - Texas vs. Alabama....WHO YA GOT?

David: Alright, before I start talking about this game, I want to let it be known how much I hate Nick Saban. I have little respect for any football coach who couldn't cut it in the NFL and has to go back to college to lick their wounds, and I have zero respect for a coach who runs out on a team like a thief in the night the way he did with Miami.
So now that you know how I feel about him, you know how much it'll kill me to say this, but...I think Bama is gonna win this one. I don't think it'll be a high-scoring affair, but I think Bama's defense will be the decider. We all saw what Ndamukong Suhhhhhhhh did to Texas in the Big 12 championship and while defensive tackle Terrence “Mt.” Cody is not nearly as athletic or dominant as Suh, he's still a clogger in the middle who can make an impact.
If Bama can use him to take away any Texas ground game and especially McCoy's scrambling, it's gonna force him to the outside where he'll be met every time by middle linebacker Rolando McClain. By the time the game is over, McCoy’s probably gonna sell all his Die Hard DVDs just so he never has to hear that name ever again.

Steve: hahaha - So in summary you don't like Nick Saban...I want to make sure I get the main point there....

David: Not his biggest fan, correct.

Steve: Yea I like Bama too...especially after what they did to Florida in the SEC title game. Although I'm VERY concerned that I just picked the favorite in every BCS game. Nothing good is going to come of that. I'm just hoping Javier Arenas' play can somehow inspire Gilbert Arenas (his cousin) to stop crapping the bed on his $111 million contract for the Wizards, which is really the only reason I jumped on the Tide bandwagon early in the season. But back to the game - I think McCoy is not nearly as good as the media attention he gets. Nebraska showed what a well-rounded defense can do to a team like Texas and McCoy.

David: Then it looks like I should probably bet the underdogs. I still think back to the day you literally slapped God in the face and bet against the Saints on opening night at the Superdome the year of Katrina.

Steve: I did bet against the Saints after Katrina...maybe the worst bet I've ever placed next to a Boise St.-Nevada nightmare a few years back. I didn't want to discuss earlier, but trust me I was having 'Nam flashbacks as you referenced that game...
On offense for Alabama, I know you think Mark Ingram is overrated, but I really like his running style. Its Alabama’s QB Greg McElroy that scares the living crap out of me, but somehow this team feeds off their defense and the field position game enough to win ball games.

David: Well a lot's also gonna depend on my man Julio Jones. Bama better hope he doesn't take this game off, as he's tended to do this year. And let me back up my Ingram talk. I think he's overrated in terms of winning the Heisman. I just think giving it to a running back on an undefeated team that led 10 of their 13 games at halftime and therefore game-planned to run the clock out in the second half doesn’t prove a player’s dominance. Gerhart was the much more dominant runner, but anyway, I do think Ingram is a good runner. He's got the type of frame that can grind down a defense. Although Texas’ D has a lot of playmakers as well, so I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't such an explosive offensive game.

Steve: Agreed there I think Alabama's defense makes every contest relatively low scoring

David: Yeah, I'd really love to be wrong about this one, but right now, I'd much rather see a playoff leading to a Florida-Bama rematch.

Steve: I actually hate all that is Texas...these people somehow end up at the same bars I'm at during Texas games and don't stop with that “Hook'em Horns” crap....I will gladly watch them get sat on by Cody.
We about done here? I have a Tim Tebow-inspired Yoga class at the YMCA I'm trying to make.

David: I'm all done – wouldn’t want to keep you from that.
And just because we were so kind to each other during this talk and it weirded me out, allow me to say: you're an asshole and you don't smell very good.

Steve: hahaha, I really don't have a good counter to that. Check mate.

Good God! An Article not by Steve Lugerner!

Just took me a good 5 minutes to figure out how to post on this little site here. And what has kept me away for so long? Well, several things:

1) I have a job that: (a) blocks unknown websites through its filtering system, (b) demands that I actually work 8-10 hours a day, and (c) pays me nothing (totally unrelated...just going for sympathy).

2) After the Yankees beat the Phillies for #27, my personal sports landscape deteriorated faster than Snookie after 3 shots. The Giants, likely blinded by their fast start supported by the fact that they played several doormats of the NFL, watched actual good teams expose every weakness they have in short order. Now, after eeking out a win over the Deadskins last Monday night, they are right back in the thick of the NFC playoff picture.

The Rangers got off to a blazing start much like the Giants. However, they also read too much of their own press and spontaneously combusted, including a ridiculous stretch where they won only 2 games at home over an 11 game stretch. But, after taking their show on the road, they have won 4 in a row and, God bless the NHL, they are now the 8th seed in the Eastern Conference.

3) I felt sheepish trying to measure up to a guy who posted 11 consecutive articles. Steve is the Cal Ripken of bingbong. Who can live up to that?

(And, by the way, who are these "readers" that print out his stories to read on the crapper? That sounds more made up than any Vince Carter injury to me.)

ANYWHO, what brought me back? Do you even have to ask? Steve may have given some quick thoughts about it (some of which I took exception to), so I have returned for a manifesto on the biggest phenomenon this side of the Turnpike: JERSEY (EFFING) SHORE.

I will attack this by doing the pros and cons of the show and ranking the characters from most awful to most engaging/entertaining/horrifying.

PROS:

1. A reality show set in Seaside Heights is as much of a no-brainer as Tiger cheating on his wife.

(A PRO ATHLETE WHO HAS IT ALL AND TRAVELS A LOT CHEATED ON HIS WIFE? J-WOWWWW! Can everyone come back to the stable and get off his high horse already? This is 2009...I'd almost be more shocked if a filthy rich American athlete wasn't having ho's in different area codes.)

2. Speaking of J-Wowww, I really enjoy that most of the characters not only have nicknames, but pretty much created the nicknames for themselves before the show even started. Is there anything more vain like that? I love it! And don't you dare tell me you haven't gone to the "Jersey Shore Nickname Generator" yet. If you haven't, enjoy yourself: http://www.unlikelywords.com/2009/12/08/jersey-shore-nickname-generator/. My nickname is "Tan-ticle." I don't know what it means, but it's now in parenthesis on my resume.

3. Lack of shame. When MTV casts you on a reality show, you obviously are not going to shy away from showing your personality. But my goodness gracious, the caricatures of these characters is tremendous. The show hooked me in a mere 2 minutes into the premiere when we met The Situation for the first time. The Situation is clearly the pillar of the show. But not far behind is Snookie. More on her later.

CONS:

1. I feel a bit violated. The show is called "Jersey Shore." Many of us were under the impression that the characters would be, crazy thought, FROM NEW JERSEY. But only Sammi Sweetheart is a Jersey girl. All the others are from upstate New York, Staten Island, even RHODE ISLAND! Whaaaat?! That being said, I have gotten over this con because the characters are mind-numbingly incredible.

2. Everyone from Jersey cannot say this enough. This is just ONE FACET of the Jersey Shore. Cannot stress this enough. Other bingbongers can attest to this fact. Case in point...Long Beach Island. LBI is 19 miles south of Seaside Heights on the Garden State Parkway. It is clean, it is nice, and it does not contain a plethora of fist-pumping, ground-pounding, juiced up, wife-beater-wearing, blown-out hair-sporting guys. I SWEAR.

3. The response from Italian-Americans. I mean, I of course understand where they're coming from. But it's an MTV reality show. What were the expectations here? I am a proud Jewish man, and yet, when I see Family Guy completely make a mockery of Jews through Mort and Neil Goldman, I can laugh it off because I have a sense of humor. These "reality" characters are actors. They're going to be over-the-top and accentuate every stereotype in the book. Get over yourself and watch the greatness.

Okay...rant over. Time to rank the characters (nicknames in parenthesis).

666. Angelina ("Jolie") - As awful as a reality show character gets. Where can you begin? Being a wet blanket when the guys brought home some girls to the hot tub in the premiere? Being above working at a t-shirt shop? Somehow not predicting things would end badly with her relationship with a married guy? Just awful in every way possible. She eventually got evicted from the house and none of the other cast members even pretended to care. Glorious.

7. Jenni ("JWowww") - Truth be told, I am shocked that her stable relationship fell apart. Any girl that has a huge...brain like that and wears cocktail napkins as clothes when she goes out is telling the world: "I want to be with my boyfriend forever."

Anyways, besides her interesting style, her big storyline has been cozying up with Pauly D and seeing his interestingly-placed piercing. Other than that, she's a complete non-entity.

6. Paul ("DJ Pauly D") - I'm not ashamed to say I made a snap judgment on this guy after his first confessional on the show wherein he admitted to owning a tanning bed and told us he spends nearly a half hour on his hair. Now, as a guy whose hair is receding faster than our nation's economy, I'm not bitter about it. I swear. But 25 minutes on hair?! COME ON.

I will admit though, the guy makes me laugh. His best moment was when The Situation was using Pauly D to keep a girl occupied while The Situation worked on the girl's friend. Pauly could not stand this girl and, while the four were walking up the stairs to the jacuzzi, Pauly did a lightning fast 180 and went right up to bed. Classic Pauly.

5. Sammi ("Sweetheart") - The only girl who's actually from Jersey! I knew there'd be one in there. Sammi is definitely the most likable female on the show...though her voice sometimes feels like nails on a chalkboard. Her big plotline revolved around the shortest love triangle in the history of television. The Situation felt he was "vibing" with Sammi and it wasn't a matter of if they would hook up, but when he felt like it (classic Situation). However, at the one club they seem to always go to (Karma), Sammi realized that Ronnie likes to take his shirt off a lot and could probably kick the crap out of anyone, so she gravitated toward him and, after a couple of MTV-created conflicts, Sammi and Ronnie seem to be going strong (likely until the next episode).

4. Nicole ("Snookie") - Easily the hardest person to rank. Entertaining? Yes. Horrifying? Yes. Can't take my eyes off like she's a train wreck? YES. But MAN is she annoying. Yes, the "Punch Heard Round the World" turned her into an object of sympathy. But let's not forget her antics in the first episode where she got drunk in 5 seconds flat and was kissing and nibbling anything that had a pulse.

She's also one I look to when I see Italian-Americans up in arms over this show. She embraces her Italian-ness. She wants an Italian. Is she over the top with her use of "guido" and "guidette?" Of course. But here's a newsflash: there are people like that in this world. GET OVER IT.

3. Ronnie (no nickname given probably because he's too jacked up to have one) - Confession time: I gave this guy no chance in the beginning. To me, he looked like everything I hate about my state...until I got to know him! The guy is sneaky hilarious. Sure, he said "don't fall in love at the Jersey Shore" and he's dropping emotional bombs all over Sammi Sweetheart.

However, he is a very steady presence on the show. If you want to play a fun drinking game, drink every time a new scene shows him with his shirt off...though that's more of a blackout drinking game.

2. Mike ("The Situation") - I mean...what can be said that hasn't already been said about this guy? He is God's gift to reality television. He's cocky but he's sensitive. He exudes confidence but has some serious self-esteem issues. He has a strict getting-ready routine (including waiting until the last minute to shave and put on a shirt to keep it fresh). He uses the word "situation" like it's going out of style.

I'm honestly at a loss for words. He is the MVP of the show. HOWEVER, he's not #1 in my eyes.

1. Vinny (no nickname listed) - The dark horse! Yes, the guy has no catchy nickname. Yes, the guy is a mama's boy. Yes, the guy somehow got pink eye without any human contact with anyone else. But, this is my guy. He's the sanest guy on the show. He always says things I'm thinking while watching the show. And, at the same time, he's not ashamed to pump his fist, pound the floor, and untz untz untz along with the house music. He doesn't seem interested in tanning or working out. He just seems to like to have a good time.

While much of the enjoyment of watching this show is how different I am from these people, Vinny is definitely the only one with which I come close to identifying. And, I honestly don't remember if he's the one who came up with it (might have been Pauly D), but I never stop laughing when I hear him and others refer to to Nicole as "Snickers."

What did we learn from this countdown? Well, something I didn't expect: the guys are awesome! I legitimately find each entertaining in his own way. Jolie really didn't help the girls' stock. But even without her, I think I'd find the show just as engaging without any girls in the house.