Gamblers Anonymous: Here's the Situation

As someone who detests the new wave of fake reality shows (The Hills, The City, The Plains, etc.), I cannot describe how much the Jersey Shore has restored my faith in TV smut. I haven’t watched an MTV show since Laguna Beach Season 2 (uh uh embarrassing). The Jersey Shore encompasses many of my favorite things:

• Dysfunctional people doing dysfunctional things for my entertainment - those who know me, know how much I love to talk about paying people to do stupid things. The cast of the Jersey Shore does it for FREE!


• Obsceneness - and I thought I cursed a lot...even I cringed when Snookers responded to The Situation in the hot tub with talk of things going in her butt (I can't tell you how long it took me to write the last sentence so it was acceptable for my family to read)


• New Jersey - That soothing chain smoking accent just does it for me


• Girl on Girl action in episode 2 – “usually you have to pay double for that kind of action Cotton”


• And J-wows wow-wows...wow (I dare anyone to use ‘wow’ more in a sentence and it be acceptable).


• Finally, the “Punch Heard ‘Round the World” has broken all kinds of personal records for re-watching a 10 second clip in consecutive replays, breaking the record of the Zidane headbutt (link at end).

To conclude, in an era of recycled network shows, staged reality TV and 5 shows trying to rip of the success of The Office, the Jersey Shore is must-see TV. And that my friends, is the situation (or maybe it’s these bad boys pictured here).

My Week 14 NFL Picks:

I'll admit it, I got my girlfriend a mouth guard for Chanukah because of Peyton - Colts -7 vs. Denver – See previous 10 columns if you actually need my reasoning.

Redskins -1 at Raiders– They are actually playing well?

Giants -1 vs. Eagles – Back to back home games for the GMEN. I see back to back covers vs. division rivals.

MNF - Cardinals -3.5 at 49ers – Cardinals are clicking on offense right now.

Zidane headbutt - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vF4iWIE77Ts&feature=related
The Punch Heard 'Round the World - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEQ0hqxyW0U

And in slow motion on loop (Thanks to reader Dan Fleeter): http://www.boblauer.com/guidette.gif

-Steve Lugerner

Tiger Woods Bets!

Available bets:

• Total woman publically verified to having an affair with Tiger by the end of 2010: O/U 19.5
• A woman verifying that Tiger actually likes to be called Eldrick in the sack: +350
• Tiger Woods wins all four majors and tells the media to go F themselves: -150
• Jasper Parnevick finishes ahead of Woods in any major next year: +1000
• Paris Hilton confirms affair with Woods: +220
• Someone releases a Tiger Woods sex tape: +130
• Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan seen in a heated auction for 'Bambi' in a Las Vegas strip club: -175
• Kato Kaelin makes an appearance on a late-night talk show as an expert witness on domestic disputes of athletes: off the board (this actually happened...what does that say about the strength of George Lopez's new show on TBS?)

Favorite Woods quotes today from Gchat (identities hidden):

XXXX: he is like a pro wrestler man!
He has a girl at every tour stop

XXX: Tiger Woods' mother-in-law is the woman who was taken to the hospital after the 911 call.
XXX: you think tiger was putting on the moves for her?

XXX: heres what i think about tiger
despite how bad this all is
its all out in the open now
no more secretes
his head is clear
he can probably play better
im sure its happened a few times walking up a fairway and seeing Ellin standing 3 feet away from a mistress
and him just double boygeing the hole

EDITED 12/8 Afternoon: Courtesy of Justin P. Kantrowitz http://withleather.uproxx.com/2009/12/more-tiger-woods-mistresses

Lugie's (abbreviated) List - 12/7

Short on time...but a few things from the weekend:

1. Where was Jesus on Saturday Timmy? Alabama-Texas National Championship makes sense (begrudgingly), but how the hell did Florida not get matched up against TCU? I'm sure it is based on region and I'm missing something - but even though Cincinnati is undefeated most would argue TCU was the next best team behind the big 3. Not to mention, that matchup is a ton sexier than FLA-Cinci (Gators are 10 point favorites). And while TCU-Boise St. will be a fun game, matching up the two non-BCS conference teams together just seems like a cop out for the BCS not to stir up controversy.

2. The Redskins never cease to amaze me. Just when they start to surprise you, they show you what true crapiness is really about. They missed field goal to seal the game, followed by a Brees bomb and OT win by the Saints. I'm just happy I wrote the Skins off weeks ago so I really didn't give a crap. Better draft pick for us to screw up in April!

3. This is going to sound a tad crazy, but has Bill Belichick developed some Andy Reid tendencies? Three times now the Patriots have lost games they've been up 10 or more points. Seemingly in control Sunday, the Patriots conservatively gave back the game to the Dolphins...calling a run on 3rd and 6 only up 2 pts. Maybe it is just arrogance? I don't get the plan at all because there seemed to be no urgency in the 2nd half from the Patriots on Sunday given their defensive woes in recent weeks.

4. Colts-Saints 18-0 Super Bowl? I can only imagine the collective BAC of the 1972 Dolphins and Tom Brady watching that one.

5. Still one episode to go, but I think this has to be Dexter's best season. All thanks to an amazing performance by John Lithgow as this season's villain. If he doesn't win an Emmy for this role it will rank #2 on all-time Emmy-screws behind The Wire never receiving a single Emmy (that just blew my mind when I heard it). Sunday Night TV: Dexter A+, Californication B+