Just took me a good 5 minutes to figure out how to post on this little site here. And what has kept me away for so long? Well, several things:
1) I have a job that: (a) blocks unknown websites through its filtering system, (b) demands that I actually work 8-10 hours a day, and (c) pays me nothing (totally unrelated...just going for sympathy).
2) After the Yankees beat the Phillies for #27, my personal sports landscape deteriorated faster than Snookie after 3 shots. The Giants, likely blinded by their fast start supported by the fact that they played several doormats of the NFL, watched actual good teams expose every weakness they have in short order. Now, after eeking out a win over the Deadskins last Monday night, they are right back in the thick of the NFC playoff picture.
The Rangers got off to a blazing start much like the Giants. However, they also read too much of their own press and spontaneously combusted, including a ridiculous stretch where they won only 2 games at home over an 11 game stretch. But, after taking their show on the road, they have won 4 in a row and, God bless the NHL, they are now the 8th seed in the Eastern Conference.
3) I felt sheepish trying to measure up to a guy who posted 11 consecutive articles. Steve is the Cal Ripken of bingbong. Who can live up to that?
(And, by the way, who are these "readers" that print out his stories to read on the crapper? That sounds more made up than any Vince Carter injury to me.)
ANYWHO, what brought me back? Do you even have to ask? Steve may have given some quick thoughts about it (some of which I took exception to), so I have returned for a manifesto on the biggest phenomenon this side of the Turnpike: JERSEY (EFFING) SHORE.
I will attack this by doing the pros and cons of the show and ranking the characters from most awful to most engaging/entertaining/horrifying.
PROS:
1. A reality show set in Seaside Heights is as much of a no-brainer as Tiger cheating on his wife.
(A PRO ATHLETE WHO HAS IT ALL AND TRAVELS A LOT CHEATED ON HIS WIFE? J-WOWWWW! Can everyone come back to the stable and get off his high horse already? This is 2009...I'd almost be more shocked if a filthy rich American athlete wasn't having ho's in different area codes.)
2. Speaking of J-Wowww, I really enjoy that most of the characters not only have nicknames, but pretty much created the nicknames for themselves before the show even started. Is there anything more vain like that? I love it! And don't you dare tell me you haven't gone to the "Jersey Shore Nickname Generator" yet. If you haven't, enjoy yourself: http://www.unlikelywords.com/2009/12/08/jersey-shore-nickname-generator/. My nickname is "Tan-ticle." I don't know what it means, but it's now in parenthesis on my resume.
3. Lack of shame. When MTV casts you on a reality show, you obviously are not going to shy away from showing your personality. But my goodness gracious, the caricatures of these characters is tremendous. The show hooked me in a mere 2 minutes into the premiere when we met The Situation for the first time. The Situation is clearly the pillar of the show. But not far behind is Snookie. More on her later.
CONS:
1. I feel a bit violated. The show is called "Jersey Shore." Many of us were under the impression that the characters would be, crazy thought, FROM NEW JERSEY. But only Sammi Sweetheart is a Jersey girl. All the others are from upstate New York, Staten Island, even RHODE ISLAND! Whaaaat?! That being said, I have gotten over this con because the characters are mind-numbingly incredible.2. Everyone from Jersey cannot say this enough. This is just ONE FACET of the Jersey Shore. Cannot stress this enough. Other bingbongers can attest to this fact. Case in point...Long Beach Island. LBI is 19 miles south of Seaside Heights on the Garden State Parkway. It is clean, it is nice, and it does not contain a plethora of fist-pumping, ground-pounding, juiced up, wife-beater-wearing, blown-out hair-sporting guys. I SWEAR.
3. The response from Italian-Americans. I mean, I of course understand where they're coming from. But it's an MTV reality show. What were the expectations here? I am a proud Jewish man, and yet, when I see Family Guy completely make a mockery of Jews through Mort and Neil Goldman, I can laugh it off because I have a sense of humor. These "reality" characters are actors. They're going to be over-the-top and accentuate every stereotype in the book. Get over yourself and watch the greatness.
Okay...rant over. Time to rank the characters (nicknames in parenthesis).
666. Angelina ("Jolie") - As awful as a reality show character gets. Where can you begin? Being a wet blanket when the guys brought home some girls to the hot tub in the premiere? Being above working at a t-shirt shop? Somehow not predicting things would end badly with her relationship with a married guy? Just awful in every way possible. She eventually got evicted from the house and none of the other cast members even pretended to care. Glorious.
7. Jenni ("JWowww") - Truth be told, I am shocked that her stable relationship fell apart. Any girl that has a huge...brain like that and wears cocktail napkins as clothes when she goes out is telling the world: "I want to be with my boyfriend forever."
Anyways, besides her interesting style, her big storyline has been cozying up with Pauly D and seeing his interestingly-placed piercing. Other than that, she's a complete non-entity.
6. Paul ("DJ Pauly D") - I'm not ashamed to say I made a snap judgment on this guy after his first confessional on the show wherein he admitted to owning a tanning bed and told us he spends nearly a half hour on his hair. Now, as a guy whose hair is receding faster than our nation's economy, I'm not bitter about it. I swear. But 25 minutes on hair?! COME ON.
I will admit though, the guy makes me laugh. His best moment was when The Situation was using Pauly D to keep a girl occupied while The Situation worked on the girl's friend. Pauly could not stand this girl and, while the four were walking up the stairs to the jacuzzi, Pauly did a lightning fast 180 and went right up to bed. Classic Pauly.
5. Sammi ("Sweetheart") - The only girl who's actually from Jersey! I knew there'd be one in there. Sammi is definitely the most likable female on the show...though her voice sometimes feels like nails on a chalkboard. Her big plotline revolved around the shortest love triangle in the history of television. The Situation felt he was "vibing" with Sammi and it wasn't a matter of if they would hook up, but when he felt like it (classic Situation). However, at the one club they seem to always go to (Karma), Sammi realized that Ronnie likes to take his shirt off a lot and could probably kick the crap out of anyone, so she gravitated toward him and, after a couple of MTV-created conflicts, Sammi and Ronnie seem to be going strong (likely until the next episode).
4. Nicole ("Snookie") - Easily the hardest person to rank. Entertaining? Yes. Horrifying? Yes. Can't take my eyes off like she's a train wreck? YES. But MAN is she annoying. Yes, the "Punch Heard Round the World" turned her into an object of sympathy. But let's not forget her antics in the first episode where she got drunk in 5 seconds flat and was kissing and nibbling anything that had a pulse.
She's also one I look to when I see Italian-Americans up in arms over this show. She embraces her Italian-ness. She wants an Italian. Is she over the top with her use of "guido" and "guidette?" Of course. But here's a newsflash: there are people like that in this world. GET OVER IT.
3. Ronnie (no nickname given probably because he's too jacked up to have one) - Confession time: I gave this guy no chance in the beginning. To me, he looked like everything I hate about my state...until I got to know him! The guy is sneaky hilarious. Sure, he said "don't fall in love at the Jersey Shore" and he's dropping emotional bombs all over Sammi Sweetheart.
However, he is a very steady presence on the show. If you want to play a fun drinking game, drink every time a new scene shows him with his shirt off...though that's more of a blackout drinking game.
2. Mike ("The Situation") - I mean...what can be said that hasn't already been said about this guy? He is God's gift to reality television. He's cocky but he's sensitive. He exudes confidence but has some serious self-esteem issues. He has a strict getting-ready routine (including waiting until the last minute to shave and put on a shirt to keep it fresh). He uses the word "situation" like it's going out of style.
I'm honestly at a loss for words. He is the MVP of the show. HOWEVER, he's not #1 in my eyes.
1. Vinny (no nickname listed) - The dark horse! Yes, the guy has no catchy nickname. Yes, the guy is a mama's boy. Yes, the guy somehow got pink eye without any human contact with anyone else. But, this is my guy. He's the sanest guy on the show. He always says things I'm thinking while watching the show. And, at the same time, he's not ashamed to pump his fist, pound the floor, and untz untz untz along with the house music. He doesn't seem interested in tanning or working out. He just seems to like to have a good time.
While much of the enjoyment of watching this show is how different I am from these people, Vinny is definitely the only one with which I come close to identifying. And, I honestly don't remember if he's the one who came up with it (might have been Pauly D), but I never stop laughing when I hear him and others refer to to Nicole as "Snickers."
What did we learn from this countdown? Well, something I didn't expect: the guys are awesome! I legitimately find each entertaining in his own way. Jolie really didn't help the girls' stock. But even without her, I think I'd find the show just as engaging without any girls in the house.
