Gamblers Anonymous: A Moment of Silence for Vinny Cerrato

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Redskin fans can breathe a huge sigh of relief this week. The brain trust of Cerrato-Snyder is no more, with Vinny Cerrato finally resigning in shame this week. I can now return to rooting for the Redskins. Some of you might be saying, "What kind of real fan gives up on their team in their darkest hour?"

Look - there comes a point where your team reaches such a laughable level of embarrassment it is acceptable to turn on them out of love. All Knicks fans are allowed to hate the team under this fan rule. Bengals and Clippers fans have been doing it for years. At a certain point, you can't take it as a fan anymore and just snap. The only way to fix it and come back to simple 'disappointed fan' is some cathartic cleansing of the major problem. That's what the Cerrato resignation is. Will my preseason purchased Darrell Green throwback jersey make its first appearance since the Skins tragic loss to the Lions? Stay tuned.

What I like about what the Skins are doing:

• Bruce Allen has had great success building football teams with John Gruden. At least we have someone credible in our front office...although I'm surprised to hear that Gruden isn't the front runner (Gruden and Allen are good friends). BUT...
• Rumors of Mike Shanahan coming to coach the Skins are very exciting. Another guy with credibility, Super Bowl wins and a history leading a top NFL franchise.
• We keep losing to teams we should (I was fine with the Oakland win). We don't need anyone being a hero out there. Where you pick in the draft matters, especially since we need to trade down and fill as many holes as we possibly (unless we have a slam dunk at the top of the draft). What about pride you might say? The 2009 Redskins left their pride with the skid marks in Jim Zorn's pants. We are way past salvaging this year.

What I still don't like about what the Skins are doing:

• They are letting Jason Campbell play well enough to earn a new contract to stay in DC. It seems like 4 out of every 5 'experts' say that Campbell will be a very solid NFL quarterback. Are we winning a Super Bowl with Campbell? Absolutely not. Let's not waste our time...cut him loose and rebuild.
• We still have the same old crappy roster. Trying to clean up Cerrato's mess will take (gulp) years. I'm convinced most of the people I know who play the Madden franchise mode could have done better than Cerrato. I know the NFL is the easiest sport to turn things around because of the competitive balance, but we have so many holes we are going to be bad for at least two more seasons.
• Dan Snyder still owns the team (on second thought, definitely not breaking out that Darrell Green jersey on Sunday...I'm still too embarrassed by this moron).

A few columns hoping to hit the press soon - Dexter Season 4 recap (waiting till more readers watch the finale - don't want to spoil it), the best and worst 'type' of gamblers and how to manage your 401K with junk bonds, high yield mutual funds and money under your mattress.

My Week 15 NFL Picks:

Saints -7.5 vs. Cowboys - Dallas can't hang with the top teams in the NFL, and there is no reason to believe they will be able to handle a ruckus Super Dome crowd on Saturday night football.

Steelers -1 vs. Packers - I think the Packers are giving fans false hope, and I don't see the Steelers losing their 6th straight at home in December.

MNF - Skins +3 vs. Giants - Wow the Skins still got a Monday Night Football game? Post-Cerrato era anything goes!

-Steve Lugerner

P.S. Peyton Manning is better than you at football. This statement is for all mankind past, present and future.

Gamblers Anonymous: Here's the Situation

As someone who detests the new wave of fake reality shows (The Hills, The City, The Plains, etc.), I cannot describe how much the Jersey Shore has restored my faith in TV smut. I haven’t watched an MTV show since Laguna Beach Season 2 (uh uh embarrassing). The Jersey Shore encompasses many of my favorite things:

• Dysfunctional people doing dysfunctional things for my entertainment - those who know me, know how much I love to talk about paying people to do stupid things. The cast of the Jersey Shore does it for FREE!


• Obsceneness - and I thought I cursed a lot...even I cringed when Snookers responded to The Situation in the hot tub with talk of things going in her butt (I can't tell you how long it took me to write the last sentence so it was acceptable for my family to read)


• New Jersey - That soothing chain smoking accent just does it for me


• Girl on Girl action in episode 2 – “usually you have to pay double for that kind of action Cotton”


• And J-wows wow-wows...wow (I dare anyone to use ‘wow’ more in a sentence and it be acceptable).


• Finally, the “Punch Heard ‘Round the World” has broken all kinds of personal records for re-watching a 10 second clip in consecutive replays, breaking the record of the Zidane headbutt (link at end).

To conclude, in an era of recycled network shows, staged reality TV and 5 shows trying to rip of the success of The Office, the Jersey Shore is must-see TV. And that my friends, is the situation (or maybe it’s these bad boys pictured here).

My Week 14 NFL Picks:

I'll admit it, I got my girlfriend a mouth guard for Chanukah because of Peyton - Colts -7 vs. Denver – See previous 10 columns if you actually need my reasoning.

Redskins -1 at Raiders– They are actually playing well?

Giants -1 vs. Eagles – Back to back home games for the GMEN. I see back to back covers vs. division rivals.

MNF - Cardinals -3.5 at 49ers – Cardinals are clicking on offense right now.

Zidane headbutt - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vF4iWIE77Ts&feature=related
The Punch Heard 'Round the World - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEQ0hqxyW0U

And in slow motion on loop (Thanks to reader Dan Fleeter): http://www.boblauer.com/guidette.gif

-Steve Lugerner

Tiger Woods Bets!

Available bets:

• Total woman publically verified to having an affair with Tiger by the end of 2010: O/U 19.5
• A woman verifying that Tiger actually likes to be called Eldrick in the sack: +350
• Tiger Woods wins all four majors and tells the media to go F themselves: -150
• Jasper Parnevick finishes ahead of Woods in any major next year: +1000
• Paris Hilton confirms affair with Woods: +220
• Someone releases a Tiger Woods sex tape: +130
• Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan seen in a heated auction for 'Bambi' in a Las Vegas strip club: -175
• Kato Kaelin makes an appearance on a late-night talk show as an expert witness on domestic disputes of athletes: off the board (this actually happened...what does that say about the strength of George Lopez's new show on TBS?)

Favorite Woods quotes today from Gchat (identities hidden):

XXXX: he is like a pro wrestler man!
He has a girl at every tour stop

XXX: Tiger Woods' mother-in-law is the woman who was taken to the hospital after the 911 call.
XXX: you think tiger was putting on the moves for her?

XXX: heres what i think about tiger
despite how bad this all is
its all out in the open now
no more secretes
his head is clear
he can probably play better
im sure its happened a few times walking up a fairway and seeing Ellin standing 3 feet away from a mistress
and him just double boygeing the hole

EDITED 12/8 Afternoon: Courtesy of Justin P. Kantrowitz http://withleather.uproxx.com/2009/12/more-tiger-woods-mistresses

Lugie's (abbreviated) List - 12/7

Short on time...but a few things from the weekend:

1. Where was Jesus on Saturday Timmy? Alabama-Texas National Championship makes sense (begrudgingly), but how the hell did Florida not get matched up against TCU? I'm sure it is based on region and I'm missing something - but even though Cincinnati is undefeated most would argue TCU was the next best team behind the big 3. Not to mention, that matchup is a ton sexier than FLA-Cinci (Gators are 10 point favorites). And while TCU-Boise St. will be a fun game, matching up the two non-BCS conference teams together just seems like a cop out for the BCS not to stir up controversy.

2. The Redskins never cease to amaze me. Just when they start to surprise you, they show you what true crapiness is really about. They missed field goal to seal the game, followed by a Brees bomb and OT win by the Saints. I'm just happy I wrote the Skins off weeks ago so I really didn't give a crap. Better draft pick for us to screw up in April!

3. This is going to sound a tad crazy, but has Bill Belichick developed some Andy Reid tendencies? Three times now the Patriots have lost games they've been up 10 or more points. Seemingly in control Sunday, the Patriots conservatively gave back the game to the Dolphins...calling a run on 3rd and 6 only up 2 pts. Maybe it is just arrogance? I don't get the plan at all because there seemed to be no urgency in the 2nd half from the Patriots on Sunday given their defensive woes in recent weeks.

4. Colts-Saints 18-0 Super Bowl? I can only imagine the collective BAC of the 1972 Dolphins and Tom Brady watching that one.

5. Still one episode to go, but I think this has to be Dexter's best season. All thanks to an amazing performance by John Lithgow as this season's villain. If he doesn't win an Emmy for this role it will rank #2 on all-time Emmy-screws behind The Wire never receiving a single Emmy (that just blew my mind when I heard it). Sunday Night TV: Dexter A+, Californication B+

Lugie's List 11/30 - Lugie Doin' Work

"Kobe Doin' Work" is out on DVD everyone! I went to Best Buy at 5 am on Black Friday to get my copy before it sold out!


Now to the NFL...

1. Young v. Leinart Part Deux. Holy Cow! I’m going to guess Leinart had Nam-like flashbacks to the 2006 BCS national championship in his sleep last night. 99-yard drives to win the game on the last play don’t happen every day. With Vince Young at the helm, the Titans have erased a 0-6 start with 5 straight wins. Everyone is talking about the playoffs for the Titans, but I just don’t see them running the table, which is really their only shot. Mainly because…

2. They have a big showdown with the 11-0 Colts next week. And maybe the readers out there are getting sick of reading about it in this column, BUT PEYTON MANNING IS GOOD AT FOOTBALL. I can’t stress that enough people. The Colts came back yet again to remain perfect.

3. Highly entertaining Sunday night game with the Ravens winning in OT behind a clutch INT from their defense. I know he threw the game losing INT, but Dennis Dixon will be a player in the NFL. Most people don’t know who this guy is because of an ACL tear at Oregon that took him out of the Heisman race, but I’d be shocked if he wasn’t a solid NFL QB for someone down the road.

4. I was going to complain here about how sick I am of watching the Lions play on Thanksgiving Day and then I read this…

5. The Silverdome, former home to the Detroit Lions, sold at auction for $583,000 (it cost $56 million to build three decades ago). To reiterate, a former professional sports stadium went for literally less than a one bedroom apartment in New York City. I’m now firmly in the “OK Detroit has enough problems let’s not pull the Thanksgiving Day NFL game from them” corner.

6. The fact that TCU will not even get to sniff the BCS national championship is a travesty. College Football year-after-year disappoints the casual fan who wants drama, interesting matchups and most importantly, A CLEAR CHAMPION. We currently have 6 undefeated teams (although Florida-Alabama in the SEC championship game will change that for sure). The fact that the championship game is all but decided (FLA-ALA winner vs. Texas, who shouldn’t get upset by Nebraska) just really pisses me off. Hey Obama - screw healthcare - I voted for you to get out there and make a NCAA football playoff happen. My re-election vote depends on it.

7. Up until Friday, I never subscribed to the phrase “Show me a hot girl, and I’ll show you a guy tired of f-ing her.” Then I heard speculation that Tiger Woods cheated on this wife [pictured here] spurring his bizarre car accident early Friday morning. Now I understand the meaning of that phrase.

8. And now for my serious take on the topic. What amazes me up until this point in Tiger’s career is we know very, very, very little about him off the golf course. Think about how many athletes/celebs have embarrassing videos and pictures out there. Tiger has done a great job of keeping the public and media at arm’s length when it comes to his personal life. Given this, I still don’t know what to make of Tiger's vague apology/statement and refusal to speak to authorities. Maybe he is just hoping this goes away, but people don’t just casually pull out of their driveway and hit a fire hydrant and tree. The laws of common sense tell us something else was going on here. I’m very worried about how this is going to play out publically given Tiger is taking the “if I don’t say anything of meaning maybe all these people will stop talking about it” defense. To be continued.

8. Took a rare trip to the movies Sunday to see “The Blind Side”, the story about Ravens Tackle Michael Oher’s journey from the streets to the NFL. Very entertaining movie and I highly recommend it to everyone. I did not not tear up during it. And I swore to myself I’d never EVER say anything nice about the acting abilities of Keanu Reeves or Sandra Bullock, but wow, she is actually good in this movie? You are probably asking why I ended that last sentence with a question mark…I know…I’m scared too.

9. Since no Gamblers Anonymous this week: Saints -1 vs. Patriots – Heavy money has gone on the Patriots and I’m not sure why. The Saints have shown their defense is way better than the Colts and the Super Dome is 1000x louder than Lucas Oil Field. I have a tough time seeing the Saints losing this game, but I wouldn’t give up more than a point. You don’t want to get screwed on a Saints 1-3 point win.

10. Sunday Night TV Ratings: Dexter A+ (I think everyone finished last night’s episode in a cold sweat); Californication B

Turkeys of the Year: Dan Snyder

[insert long blog post about being the worst owner in all of professional sports here]

That's right...worse than this guy! [DISCLAIMER: IF YOU HAVE ANY CHILDREN NEAR BY PLEASE SHIELD THEIR EYES]
OK, maybe not worse than this guy...but pretty f'ing bad!

Turkeys of the Year: Boston Red Sox

Not a good year to be a Red Sox fan.

• Your owner preseason publicly cried about the Yankees signing Teixeira to a big contract, despite offering Teixeira a gigantic contract himself. Nothing hypocritical about that.
• The two corner stones of your championships are now heavily suspected to have used performance enhancing drugs in recent years (Manny suspended this year, and both rumored to be on the 2003 PED list).
• Remember when you had the deepest rotation in the league? How many of those guys even survived the season in your rotation or on your team?
• Oh, and the Yankees just won their 27th World Series title.
  

-Steve Lugerner

Turkeys of the Year: Gilbert Arenas

Agent zero...accomplishments: one playoff series win in his career. The way this guy talks about his own ability you would think he has multiple rings by now. He's had three knee surgeries in the last two year. Even I wouldn't blame a player for being that unlucky - oh wait, until he blamed his own team this offseason for 'wanting to sell tickets' and letting him rush back. Maybe take some responsibility for your own actions Gil? Finally, he got his $111 million dollar contract essentially tying the Wizards to an unstable personality for the next 4+ seasons.

Here is an excerpt from a recent Washington Post article discussing the rift in the Wizards locker room:

The last time [Arenas] played almost a full season, in 2006-07, Arenas was able to carry the Wizards out of a 4-9 hole and to the best record in the Eastern Conference by late January. "I'm sitting here thinking, 'Do I have to go into attack mode like I was [three] years ago to get us over the hump?' " he said. "I hope not. It's only so many nights, so many games before I'm going to have to start doing what I do."
The question is whether Arenas is still capable of such heroics while he struggles to regain the form that made him a three-time all-star after a hiatus of almost two seasons because of a bothersome left knee. Arenas said he is the only player on the team who has had to sacrifice his game, but he has been the leading scorer in eight of the 12 games, has taken 64 more shots than anyone on the team, and is shooting just 39 percent. He also leads the league in turnovers per game (4.0).

The man is honestly delusional and I’ll be the first to admit I let it slide for years because at least back in the day he could put up 50 on back to back nights and single-handedly win games. After watching him commit 6 more turnovers last night, I can't help but wonder if Gilbert can even play the point position the way we NEED him to. Honestly, I think Gilbert's basketball IQ is so much lower than anyone recognizes. He leads the league in turnovers...so this notion he can be a "pass first point guard" and be as good as the top PGs in the league is just wrong. He doesn't have the decision making ability.

I can't speak for how the other players in the locker room feel, but I can't help but wonder if some of the veterans are tired of Gilbert pretending he's a top 5 player in the league and his annoying ego song and dance with the media. His game is clearly hurting the team right now more than helping and until he just shuts his mouth and recognizes that, we are screwed!

-Steve Lugerner

Turkeys of the Year: Knicks and Nets

Going to be posting the biggest Turkeys in sports today.

Easy one to start with: Fans/Management of the New York Knicks and New Jersey Nets.

The most pathetic part about the management of both these teams is they think they have any chance of luring Lebron James or even Dwayne Wade to New York. I'm sure Lebron is just dying to play on a team with Chris Duhon running the point (who’s shooting percentage is comparable to Michael J. Fox at a gun range) and Eddie Curry now back at center after losing a teenage-eating-disorder amount of weight. He’s like the guy on the cigarette commercials who literally has half a face.

And the 0-14 Nets? I'm sure Lebron would love to team up with the Chairman Yi and Rafer ‘skip-to-my-lou’ Alston over the Cavs roster. The Nets are as far from a championship caliber supporting cast as ANY team in the league.

I guess in this day and age in the NBA when your team can't draft or do anything right, you have to pray for a free agent year like 2010, and sacrifice an entire season to have cap room. If I was a fan of either team, I'd be furious about my team rolling out such a pathetic roster for 82 games at the slim hopes of attracting a superstar. Who in their right mind would pay for season tickets for these two teams coming into the season?

-Steve Lugerner

Lugie's List 11/23 - Gobble Gobble

A moment of silence for my survivor season, which after lasting 10 weeks (beating my previous record of 2 weeks) is disappointing. How the Bengals can lose to Oakland after beating Pittsburg last week is beyond me…which leads me to…

1. By my count there are only 5 good NFL teams (Pittsburg and the Bengals fall out this week…even losing on the road is unacceptable when it's KC and Oakland):

2. San Diego – Norv Turner is still the coach. I refuse to even consider them contenders until a coaching change is made. Having said that…they’ve won 5 straight and have a shot at a first round bye.

3. Minnesota – They are cruising to a first round bye and look solid on both sides of the ball. Having said that…they haven’t beaten anyone on the contender list and Brett Favre is their QB – ticking time bomb come playoff time.

4. New Orleans – After a few close calls in recent weeks, the dominant Saints returned against Tampa, and at 10-0 stand a fairly good shot to finish undefeated in the regular season. Having said that…they have a showdown with the Patriots next Monday night which will be their toughest game of the year and hopefully Colts-Pats 2.0 for the viewing public.

5. Patriots – Belichick stuck it to the Jets yet again Sunday (does Rex Ryan have to give back his Coach of the Year trophy he received after week 3?). Having said that…Bill Belichick is a preening shmo who steals the souls of 5 children before every game to inspire his evil coaching.

6. Colts – The Colts looked shaky again Sunday barely holding on to remain undefeated. Having said that...they have Peyton FREAKIN' MANNING.

So I shamelessly stole a joke from Curb to fill my column. Having said that...you read it anyways. (ok moving on...)

7. Was the Bears-Eagles game as awful /boring to watch on TV as it was to Gamecast on my phone in the car ride home? Andy Reid again attempted to lose the game for the Eagles by running on 3rd and 4 where a first down nets them a W. There isn't a coach in the league that is worse at calling plays on the downs that matter most.

8. I've started reading the SportsGuy's new book on basketball/NBA, and 30 pages in, I will admit, I'm loving it. Which brings me to my stance on the SportsGuy I've held for years: nobody writes better about the NBA than him. It was honestly his incessant Boston love that became too much for a Boston-hater like myself. Heck, I didn't even hate the Celtics up until the 50th straight article about why Big Papi was the most feared hitter of the last 50 years or why Tom Brady is the best QB of all-time. Maybe those columns don't exist exactly, but you get the point.

9. Things I'm thankful for (and for purposes of comedy I'm not going to mention the obvious ones, so family...friends...take a hike): sugar-free Red Bull, Sarges, #27, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air re-runs, legalized gambling, illegal gambling, Maury Povich and Baked Lays (I'd be 50 pounds heavier without Baked Lays...no question in my mind).

10. Sunday Night TV Ratings: Dexter A+; Curb A; Mocha Joe A+; Californication B+