It’s been a long time coming, but I’m finally ready to release my top 5 casinos. Unlike 6-10, these 5 really have no glaring flaws. All 5 are located in Vegas, their décor is top notch and the accommodations are the best in the world. There is really no glaring weakness from any of these so rather than nit-pick over which has nicer throw pillows on the bed, here are some stories to accompany my top 5 casinos:Bellagio (Strengths: reputation, poker room, any restaurant) – ‘I’ll go to War with a 5’
In my gambling heyday I was able to show Kobe-like coolness at a casino table. No matter the size of the bet, I wouldn’t freak out. This trademark calmness was on display one Bellagio evening at a Casino War table. Forget blackjack – how about just one card, you and the dealer, high card. In a calculated (idiotic) move I threw down $400 on one hand. With a crowd of friends watching, I pulled what seemed like a death sentence card: the 5 of spades. That’s when I casually turned to the crowd, shrugged my shoulders and infamously said, “I’ll go to war with a 5!” Sure enough the dealer pulled a 2 and the crowd went wild.
Mandalay Bay (Strengths: Theme, place to eat at 5am) – Cheaters Kind of Prosper
I’ve only seen someone cheat in a casino once, and trust me when I say it wasn’t some type of Ocean's 11 magic. I was sitting with two buddies at a blackjack table when a strange looking guy sat in 3rd base next to me (the last seat at the table).
Friend 1: Uh, did you guys see that?
Both of us: No - what are you talking about?
Friend 1 (a few hands later in a quiet voice): Did you guys not see that? He just dropped another chip on his hand when the dealer wasn’t looking.
Sure enough, I watched the guy pull a 20 in his first two cards and while the dealer was attending to the first player's hand, he flicked a $25 chip in the air onto his other $25 chip and chuckled to himself. Not exactly the kids from MIT taking Vegas for millions. We watched him successfully complete this anti-stealth move 5 more times with each time Friend 1 who going “HE JUST DID IT AGAIN” under his breath as all three of us were starting to lose it with laughter. Finally, the dealer caught him and called over the pit boss, who told the strange guy he would spend the night in jail if he did it again. What the hell happened to Vegas? I was really hoping someone would take a sledge hammer to his knee. I know Shelly Kaplow wouldn’t have tolerated that kind of crap in his casino (no…nothing?…The Cooler is the reference we were looking for here).
Caesars Palace (Strengths: Sports book, Pool, Palace Shops, food court) – The Suicide Bet
A suicide bet is exactly what it sounds like. It’s when you get so fed up with black jack that you go all in with the remainder of your chips. A standard suicide bet is roughly 5-10x (or more) higher than your average bet. It is made on sheer frustration and nuttiness. One night at Caesars Palace, my friend Ari had had enough. He was holding roughly $200 in chips and put it down on a hand of black jack. Winner. Put it all on again. Winner. Double the fun again. Winner. Double it up! Winner (at this point he began to pocket some of the money each time). He went on to win an amazing 11 hands in row, turning his $200 into roughly $3,000 in under 15 minutes (and the 12th hand he lost he had $1,500 on the table). I do not recommend this type of gambling to my readers. Not good for the heart.
Venetian (Strengths: Poker room, Grand Canal shops, Tao) – ‘Pay to Play’
This is not my story, but always thought it was funny. Two friends checking in at the front desk:
“Ok guys you are going to go through this row of slots here to get to the elevator bank for the Ivory Tower. The bar by the craps tables plays live music 9-2, the box office is back down to your right if you are interested in show tickets, and the bar over here behind the row of tables is also open late, but, you have to pay to play at that bar if you know what I mean.”
Which brings me to my biggest beef with the city of Las Vegas. In my 15 visits, I have never been propositioned for sex by a prostitute. I’ve been visible drunk and had wads of cash virtually spewing out of my wallet, and yet it has never even laughable come up with someone. To back track for just one second - I don’t want there to be any confusion here. I’m not looking to pay a prostitute in Vegas and if I ever run for political office, this paragraph alone can be taken out of context and sink my chances. I'm just saying, it would just be nice to be noticed one-time by a hooker. Am I not pretty enough? Do you know what this has done for my self-esteem? (hoping this far into the column girlfriend has stopped reading this…if not, heyyyyyyyyyy)
Wynn/Encore (Strengths: Wynn Deli, Pool, Sports Book) – Darth Vader
I think Bill Simmons has written about his refusal to play black jack against the auto-shuffler ad nauseam (25 columns to be exact, right behind his #1 topic the 1986 Celtics at 547 columns). I decided to tackle the beast with KJ and Ari. As we sat there getting slaughtered by Darth, we made vomit noises on bad beats, physically banged our head on the table and hummed the Darth Vader theme over and over again. Oh, did I mention this was all before 1 p.m. in the middle of the week? The nice woman dealer working the day shift who was roughly the age of all our mothers
was shaking her head in disgust. “What is wrong with you guys..what would all of your mothers think?” I am pretty sure she relocated her family out of Vegas after this classic display of degenerate behavior.P.S. If it was socially acceptable to write several paragraphs - scratch that - an entire column about the Matzo Bowl Soup at the Wynn Deli I would. Just know that.
Let’s get to this week’s NFL picks:
Peyton FREAKIN’ Manning: Colts -1.5 at Ravens – The last time Peyton played in Baltimore it was 35-0 by the middle of the third quarter and some dude named Sorgi was trotting on the field. This Ravens team is not that bad, but I can’t for the life of me figure out how the Colts are not -3 or more. And when have you ever known me not to bet the Colts.
Jay Cutler is the anti-Peyton: Eagles -3 at Chicago - He stinks. Plain and simple - he is not any good Happy! This is a miserable Sunday night game - watch the Curb finale twice instead and check the score after.MNF: Titans +4.5 at Texans – I don’t do analysis on two teams and a game I don’t care about. Listen to a Simmons podcast for that.
-Steve Lugerner
