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| Super Bowl XLV |
Anything I wanted to throw in after the fact you'll see with a marked as "Post Game" in parenthesis. Also, due to the enormous length of the column, a halftime show will be provided.
As always, bets to follow along with:
- Packers Win - nice...simple...easy...and the side with the hottest QB.
- Super Bowl Box Game (combination of the last digit of each teams score at the end of the 1st, half, 3rd or game wins money)
- Under Christina Aguilera 1:57 seconds on the National Anthem
- HEADS on the coin toss! OBVI.
- Under 2.5 “Brett Favre” references - I don't care if Fox has no soul, how can they possible work in his full name three times in one game?
- Super Bowl Box Game (combination of the last digit of each teams score at the end of the 1st, half, 3rd or game wins money)
- Under Christina Aguilera 1:57 seconds on the National Anthem
- HEADS on the coin toss! OBVI.
- Under 2.5 “Brett Favre” references - I don't care if Fox has no soul, how can they possible work in his full name three times in one game?
- Fergie wearing a g-string, thong or bikini bottom during her first appearance on stage during the halftime show. (I know…I know...no chance. But it paid 18:1 - had to give it a shot.)
- Clear/Water dumped on winning coach (it’s due!)
- Aaron Rodgers to win MVP (smiley emoticon :) )
- MVP winner thanks his teammates first (double smiley :) :) )
LET'S GET TO THE BUSINESS.
Lugie's Super Bowl XLV Diary:
- Clear/Water dumped on winning coach (it’s due!)
- Aaron Rodgers to win MVP (smiley emoticon :) )
- MVP winner thanks his teammates first (double smiley :) :) )
LET'S GET TO THE BUSINESS.
Lugie's Super Bowl XLV Diary:
6:15 – Let's set the scene: I'm taking in the game at an apartment in Arlington, VA. A solid crowd of five guys and even two appearances by females – I was assured in advance there would be no discussion of our feelings until AFTER the Gatorade shower.
A quick checklist:
- Wacky bets throughout the game. Check.
- Comfortable attire. Check. Did I wear shorts in the middle of winter? Yes I did. Minimizing SWASS is key during a three plus hour football game. Don’t judge me!
- Portable keyboard to blog with because I’ve worn out the A-S-D-F keys on my laptop? Check. ASDF! ASDF! ASDF!
- Copious amounts of dip with questionable health benefits? Check.
A quick checklist:
- Wacky bets throughout the game. Check.
- Comfortable attire. Check. Did I wear shorts in the middle of winter? Yes I did. Minimizing SWASS is key during a three plus hour football game. Don’t judge me!
- Portable keyboard to blog with because I’ve worn out the A-S-D-F keys on my laptop? Check. ASDF! ASDF! ASDF!
- Copious amounts of dip with questionable health benefits? Check.
- Wings? Check!
- Pigs in a blanket? DOUBLE Check!
6:24 – Time for the anthem – a time honored tradition if you gamble on the Super Bowl. I said it in the podcast – 1:57 is too high for Christina even though she is a grand-standing diva. LETS-GO-UN-DER! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP CLAP CLAP!
6:26 – Our unofficially time has the anthem clocked at 1:54 giving the under a clear win. Lot of Man Cheering going around even before the game starts! Two party members point out that Ms. Genie in a Bottle completely missed/screwed up a verse. Which begs the question, why wasn’t this prop offered: Will Christina Aguilera sing the National Anthem drunk? Yes +200 No -160 (would have paid!)
(Post game thoughts: I was quite fearful at the time that betting sites would nullify the bet due to her screw up. That did not happen. One website even paid BOTH the over and the under which disgusted me on principle. If you didn’t factor in Christina’s party life and potential to be on something at the time she would sing then you shouldn’t have won money. It's as simple as that. In the pantheon of Anthem screw ups...this is #2...here is #1.)
6:24 – Time for the anthem – a time honored tradition if you gamble on the Super Bowl. I said it in the podcast – 1:57 is too high for Christina even though she is a grand-standing diva. LETS-GO-UN-DER! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP CLAP CLAP!
6:26 – Our unofficially time has the anthem clocked at 1:54 giving the under a clear win. Lot of Man Cheering going around even before the game starts! Two party members point out that Ms. Genie in a Bottle completely missed/screwed up a verse. Which begs the question, why wasn’t this prop offered: Will Christina Aguilera sing the National Anthem drunk? Yes +200 No -160 (would have paid!)
(Post game thoughts: I was quite fearful at the time that betting sites would nullify the bet due to her screw up. That did not happen. One website even paid BOTH the over and the under which disgusted me on principle. If you didn’t factor in Christina’s party life and potential to be on something at the time she would sing then you shouldn’t have won money. It's as simple as that. In the pantheon of Anthem screw ups...this is #2...here is #1.)
6:31 – Coin toss time and yet another player with bad ties to my past getting the honor of flipping the coin. Deion Sanders – a staple of the Dan Snyder pay too much for players way past their prime era.
6:32.45 – IT’S UP….
6:32.49 - HEADS – DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?! YES! 4-PEAT!
BingBong contributor Jeff Alexander’s post-game analysis: “Heads was too good. Horrible bet by me.”
6:32.45 – IT’S UP….
6:32.49 - HEADS – DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?! YES! 4-PEAT!
BingBong contributor Jeff Alexander’s post-game analysis: “Heads was too good. Horrible bet by me.”
We saw it right from the get go - when the coin was in the air, Heads was clearly in better game shape. You have to wonder if Tails can recover from this string of devastating defeats on the Coin Toss’ biggest stage. (Post game: TMZ is reporting Christina and Tails were seen doing multiple tequila shots just 15 minutes prior to the game. It all makes sense now!)
6:33 – If I asked you this question: “After what event would Lugie get the most BBMS/TEXTS/GCHATS?CALLS in a 5 minute period.” Some good guesses might be:
A) When the Yankees get eliminated from the playoffs – everyone hates them and loves to rub it in.
B) When Gilbert Arenas gets arrested...or even…
C) New Years at Midnight – I mean, a lot of people get texts and calls then, right?
But the answer? D) Right after the Super Bowl National Anthem, and it's not even close. Roughly 15 messages in the span of one minute. This is confirmation that I lead a very strange life.
6:34 – AND WE ARE AWAY FROM DALLAS. Jerry Jones just got wood for the first time since he passed Jessica Simpson on the club level concourse back in 2009 (thank you thank you...I'll be here all weekend.)
6:43 – The last few times I’ve posted a diary, I’ve steered away from too much commercial talk because commercials are meant to be watched, not described by me in a blog post. Now that I learned to use YouTube like the rest of the world, it's time to start cooking with fire. Bud Light throws the first punch with 'Hack Job.' It is no 'Rotating Fridge,' but gets a solid chuckle from the crowd. Rating: B
A) When the Yankees get eliminated from the playoffs – everyone hates them and loves to rub it in.
B) When Gilbert Arenas gets arrested...or even…
C) New Years at Midnight – I mean, a lot of people get texts and calls then, right?
But the answer? D) Right after the Super Bowl National Anthem, and it's not even close. Roughly 15 messages in the span of one minute. This is confirmation that I lead a very strange life.
6:34 – AND WE ARE AWAY FROM DALLAS. Jerry Jones just got wood for the first time since he passed Jessica Simpson on the club level concourse back in 2009 (thank you thank you...I'll be here all weekend.)
6:43 – The last few times I’ve posted a diary, I’ve steered away from too much commercial talk because commercials are meant to be watched, not described by me in a blog post. Now that I learned to use YouTube like the rest of the world, it's time to start cooking with fire. Bud Light throws the first punch with 'Hack Job.' It is no 'Rotating Fridge,' but gets a solid chuckle from the crowd. Rating: B
6:44 – Doritos gets on the board with the predictable "taunt the dog and bad karma will bite you" recipe. Not original at all. Rating: C. (Post game: This tied for #1 on the USA ad meter so shows what I know).
6:50 – Doritos second commercial takes it up a notch…and even gets KINKY. A little pants sniffing…finger licking…sounds like Charlie Sheen's Tuesday morning! UMMM CHEESE! Rating: A-
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| MBN! |
6:58 – As a Yankee fan this next one made me sick. Fox catches Cameron Diaz feeding A-Rod food. Sigh. MBN to be in a luxury box at the Super Bowl while your famous hot blonde movie star feeds you food while making $25 million+ for the most iconic franchise in professional sports history.
(I dare anyone to top that usage of 'must be nice')
7:00 – Finally a play to talk about. Aaron Rodgers throws a gorgeous 29-yard pass to Jordy Nelson – the Pack take the early lead. [Insert Wes Welker reference because Jordy Nelson is a white receiver here]. Packers 7 Steelers 0
7:06 – Back-to-back game posts. I've gone soft. Things turn ugly when Big Ben throws an absolute DUCK into the hands of the Packers Nick Collins who takes it back for a PICK 6. The Pack are dominating early and the Steelers are another crappy play away from completely losing control of this game. Packers 14 Steelers 0
7:14 – Big Ben gets it going again with a vintage third and long conversion, running the ball for the first right after tweaking his knee the play before. The play helped get the Steelers on the board a few minutes later. Packers 14 Steelers 3
7:15 – We have a clear clubhouse leader for commercials: Bridgestone's 'Reply All' plays on one of the top three fears we all have at work (the other two being in no particular order: some form of bathroom related accident - the scope on this one is too huge to list - or accidentally farting in a meeting). Rating: A
(Post game: In retrospect this wins my award for funniest ad of the night. It got the most laughs from our crowd.)
7:23 – A commercial uses one of my karaoke staples so I have to give it love. I don’t think anyone knew where Budweiser was going with this until an old West bar breaks out into a sing-along of Elton John’s Tiny Dancer. Anything goes during the Super Bowl! Rating: B+
7:33 – The Darth Vader kid was one of the few commercials I saw pre-game. Nice. Solid. Rating: B (Post game note: Couldn’t believe how much attention this one got on the news shows the day after. To quote what Jerry Silverberg would sound like in my own head thinking about this commercial: “I mean it was OOOOOOK. Nothing special.” )
7:42 – Packers CB Jarrett Bush makes an insane INT beating Mike Wallace to the pigskin. The Packers get it back looking to open up a huge first half lead.
7:45 – Rodgers with a 21-yard strike to “IM GREG JENNNNNNNNNNNINGGGGGSSSSSS” – That’s three TDs for the Pack, and two by my MVP hopeful Aaron Rodgers. EVERYTHING'S COMING UP MILLHOUSE. Packers 21 Steelers 3
7:45 – BOX GAME ALERT – A few of us at the party get excited as we see our Packers 1 Steelers 0 half-time box very much in play. PITTSBURGH TD ONE-TIME DEALER!
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| Nearly the same as Greg Oden's mirror shot minus the 8-inch flaccid dong. |
It was supposed to go:
Gymnast in a mattress store: I fell like a degenerate gambler during the Super Bowl!
Me in shorts and a Lavar Arrington Jersey: I feel like a customer at CarMax!
Rating: B+
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Welcome to the Lugie's Super Bowl Diary Halftime Show presented by Kyoto Joes. You are approximately 1,700 words into my enormous 3,400 word Super Bowl diary. The fact you made it this far is an accomplishment in and of itself. Beyonce cancelled last minute, so we went with the next best thing:
Before the rumors get out of hand: THAT IS NOT ME. And we'll touch on this later, but I bet you found this way more entertaining than the actual SB halftime show.
Let's get back to the diary for the 2nd half.
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7:51 – Since commercials are as must-see TV as the game, I have not moved from the couch since the start of the game. I’m three Diet Peach Snapples deep and starting to wiggle in my seat to keep myself from peeing on my hosts’ couch.
7:54 – Woodson to the locker room is a terrible sign – Packers defenders are dropping like flies.
7:56 – Big Ben finally answers with a TD to Hines Ward. This is not their first rodeo people. The TD gives the party a halftime box win. The real question going into the second half is can the Steelers stop Mr. Aaron Rodgers? Packers 21 Steelers 10
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| The resemblance is striking |
8:05 – Finally an opportunity to use the bathroom when Fox brings back Grimace and three other dudes to talk about the first half before the halftime show. LIVE IN-GAME BETTING: O/U 54 second urination. (OVER HIT!)
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| Joke stolen from Dave Silverstein |
8:09 – On Saturday afternoon, Jerry "The Cynic" Silverberg and I had an hour call to discuss the several hundred prop bets available for Super Bowl Sunday. My girlfriend Sindy would call this The Only Hour of My Life I Really Would Have Preferred to Watch Football.
During this conversation, we heavily debated (Sindy included) what Fergie would wear to start the halftime show. Because the odds were +1800, we decided to throw $5 on Fergie coming out in a g-string, thong or bikini bottom. We had no intention of winning this bet. What we were sure of though was that Fergie would not be coming out in a skirt or dress. The convo went something like this.
On phone;
Jerry: There is no way she comes out in a skirt after Nipple Gate.
Me: Too much of a chance at up skirt pics flooding the internet?
Jerry: Dude, you think they want her va-jay-jay accidentally flashing during the show? There is no way this happens.
(turning to Sindy to relay what was just said)
Sindy: I heard him you do not need to repeat that.
8:10: (Fergie teleports down in a skirt)
Jerry: Skirt!!!
Me: [expletive]
8:11 – [Post game: I originally wrote here: “Wow, Jeff Alexander vindicated as the Black Eyed Peas sound AWFUL.” Then he had one of his twenty daily Facebook status updates dedicated to how impressed he was with the performance. If you want to leave a comment on his wall to tell him he is an idiot, by all means! http://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=109353259141369&id=116443¬if_t=feed_comment_reply ]
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| IT STINKS! IT STINKS! Simon Brusty SI |
8:15 – Slash and Usher are the surprise guests…and I’m pretty sure the last time we saw a medley of random artists was…Nipple Gate! THE DOOR IS AJAR! I REPEAT, THE DOOR IS AJAR!
8:18 – This halftime show is horrendous. My ears are bleeding. Not a single member of the BEPs would make it to Hollywood week. Our small party decides to bust into a rousing game of Apples to Apples and it EASILY bests this pile of crap. WORST…HALFTIME SHOW…EVER.
8:35 – A quick 3 and out for the Packers plus a face mask penalty on the punt gives the Steelers a short field. Big Ben and crew capitalize on a Mendenhall 8 yard run. Packers 21 Steelers 17
8:45 – From BingBong reader and Yale graduate Phil Levin on the mounting injuries during the game:
Phil: lots of injuries tonight
Phil: I sprained my hand on a nacho
8:51 – The Chevy Cruz has a cute little ad about checking your Facebook status while driving. This came to me over GChat shortly after:
Anonymous: I'm just glad I can now do my two favorite things while drinking:
1) drive
2) Facebooking ex-girlfriends
AT THE SAME TIME
Rating: B
9:03 – BOX GAME ALERT – Corporate hack and BingBong contributor Jeff Alexander and I have a 3rd quarter Steelers 7, Packers 1 combo looming. For the first time all day it's time to clock watch: TICKKKKKKKKKK…TIC TIC TIC TICKKKKK.
9:04 – Michael Solomon: o/u 1.5 Eminem commercial appearances.
I definitely would have bet the under on that. Eminem makes his second commercial apperance in the ad 'Imported from Detroit.' The two minute long ad wins my prize for best serious commercial of the night. Rating: A
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| M-V-P! M-V-P! M-V-P! |
9:21 – Three quarters are in the books and another box win in the balance sheet. Fergie may not have exposed herself on stage, but a Packers win and Rodgers MVP would make for a nice little Super Bowl Sunday. At this point, I'm five Diet Peach Snapples deep (crazy!). ONE MORE QUARTER OF THE NFL SEASON! GET UP!!! GET THE [expletive] UP!!!!
9:24 – On the first play of the fourth quarter the turnover bug bites Pittsburgh again. Clay Matthews forces Mendenhall to cough it up and Green Bay recovers. The Pack are in business yet again.
9:30 – Greg Jennings pulls in his second TD of the day. That gives my MVP candidate A-Rod his third TD of the game. Packers 28 Steelers 17
9:35 – Batch #2 of little hot dogs makes an appearance. I don’t think the phrase “pig in shit” has ever applied more than it does right now.
9:37 – I know. I know. I’ve done a terrible job of covering the female presence at the party. For that I apologize. One of the girls asks if NFL players wear underwear. Why would they ask that? She apparently does not detect a visible panty line (also known as VPL for you internet stalkers) under those tight football pants. The debate in the room rages on…boxer briefs? thong jack strap? Maybe its something really cool I don’t even know about? What? What I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?
9:41 – I’m finally asked to Google “NFL player underwear.” I then click Google images. All I will say is I had no idea New York City had a gay contact football league. I’ve made a huge mistake.
9:42 – Big Ben hits Mike Wallace on a beautiful 25-yard TD pass. To steal a Dan Patrick mid-90s SportCenter catch phrase for Wallace: "You can't stop him, you can only hope to contain him." The Steelers make the 2-pointer and get within a field goal Packers 28 Steelers 25
9:44 – I’ll leave this one to a BBM from Packers fan Dave Silverstein: “There is NOTHING more at GoDaddy.com!!!” Well played sir.
9:49 – 3rd and 10 for the Packers….LARGE...FOOTBALL …PLAY (Post game: Ok, obviously I take some liberties with the diary for comedic purposes. What I do love though is looking back at my notes pre-play in an instance like this. In some games you naturally come to a moment that you KNOW something great is going to happen. This was one of those moments.)
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| BIG PLAY JENNINGS Tony Median ICON SMI |
9:52 – Let’s check in with BingBong sideline reporter Adam Greenstein via BBM: “Lets Go Canada!!” Yea, I think we may go in a different direction for next year's game.
9:59 – 2 minute warning in Dallas. The Steelers burned two early timeouts, but now is Big Ben’s time to shine. Does he make his third Lombardi Trophy a come-back for the ages? Does Rodgers win his first ring and get out from Brett Favre's shadow?! This is why we watch...and Fox announcer Joe Buck sounds half asleep. (Post-game: I stumbled across this article critiquing the entire Fox telecast. http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2011/writers/richard_deitsch/02/07/super.bowl.media.grades/index.html The summary: pre-game was AWFUL and Buck-Aikman were solid. Sorry if I like a little Gus Johnson in my play calling.)
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| PARTY TIME. EXCELLENT. |
10:02 – Big Ben to Heath Miller for 15 yards...TICKKKKKKKK TIC TIKC TICkkkkkkkkk.
10:04 – 4th and 5...Big Ben back to pass...the pass is deflected and INCOMPLETE. THE LOMBARDI TROPHY IS RETURNING TO TITLE TOWN. AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE GATORADE BATH! Say it with me now…H-2-O! H-2-O! H-2-O!
10:08 – Ummmm…Fox didn’t show the Gatorade bath live. OK OK we get it. Someone won the Super Bowl…now what color was the F-ING Gatorade!? [replay of McCarthy getting Gatorade poured on him] ORANGE!?!? YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!
10:17 – Rodger Goodell: “Cliché cliché cliché…no football next year…cliché cliché cliché….lockout…cliché cliché cliché…I look great.”
10:20 – A-ROD! A-ROD! A-ROD! WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER ON THE MVP!
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| I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD! |
11:00 – All in all, a successful Super Bowl. Money won, food devoured and Steelers fans waiving their towels all the way back to Pittsburgh. The Favre under 2.5 references wins (even FOX couldn't slip him in there three times) and the Nielsen rating SHOULD go over 46 (yes, you can bet on this!).
I finish the night off with my own 20-minute drill – get back to Maryland without having an accident (and no, not the car kind).
One final BBM I received post-game:
Packer fan Dave Silverstein: “If you had told me five years ago I’d be living in Los Angeles, sitting on the floor of my apartment, drinking scotch straight from the bottle, and celebrating a Packers Super Bowl…I would have told you that all sounds about right.”
-Steve Lugerner
Picture in column - Yes
Lavar Jersey - Yes
O/U .5 References to Greg Oden's Penis - Disturbingly way over.
O/U 2.5 Poop or bowl movement references - Under
O/U 2.5 Random Movie References - Under
O/U 2.5 Diet Peach Snapples consumed in the writing of the SB Diary - UNDER - Upset City.
O/U 56.5 Tuesday Website Hits on BBS - Over
O/U 5.5 Misspelled words - UNDER?! It's a Festivus Miracle!
